How my perception completely changed over night
I realized last night that I broke a covenant I had made with God. Now that I think about it, I've probably broken this covenant dozens of times and not even realized it.
When I was baptized at the young age of eight I covenanted with God that I would strive to keep His commandments, that I would help buoy up those around me, and I would stand as a witness of God.
In the Book of Mormon, these passages from Mosiah 18 explain the covenant that I, and several others, have made.
This is the covenant that I broke over the past few weeks. My covenant to mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort.
Last night was a rough night. I spent the night sobbing, drifting off to sleep, waking up, and sobbing all over again. I imagine my night was very similar to several others in my extended family and may have even seemed easy to others.
Yesterday afternoon, my dear cousin took his own life. The purpose of this post isn't to condemn him nor is it to reflect negatively on him or his family. He is a wonderful son of God who is sorely missed. I have no doubt that God will look on all of the good deeds in his life and see even more goodness in him than his earthly family could ever see in him with their mortal eyes. I merely share how he passed so you can understand where I'm coming from.
His mother passed on February 23 of this year. The near two months of severe Depression finally proved too much for him. When someone you care for passes on in this way, I think a common train of thought is, "Oh I should have done something" or "I noticed this but I didn't think anything of it at the time." I know that's what I'm thinking, and I'm sure many of his loved ones are thinking the same thing. We have no way of knowing if our intervention would have accomplished anything, so it does us no good to dwell on these things in that sense, but as my husband relayed to me in a Priesthood blessing last night, these things should be a lesson to us for the future.
I remember sitting with my cousin at the hospital the day his mother died and not knowing how to respond to some of his woes then thinking later of all of the things I could have said to take away even the slightest bit of sorrow. Even after thinking of these comforting words, I kept them to myself.
I remember when my cousin came over to my area at work to help a new hire with someone and he began to tell a story. In the middle of his story his phone rang and he took it. I got up to go talk to another coworker about something because I was really busy, and when I came back, he was gone. I still don't know what he was telling me, but I regret not taking the time to listen when he needed it.
I remember seeing him walk out of the bathroom at work with red puffy eyes from crying. I gave him a weak smile. I thought about stopping him and talking to him, but I hesitated. What comfort could I give to him in his mother's passing? Was I even close enough to him to be able to provide him comfort? I don't know if anything from me would have helped him in his sorrow, but I regret not trying and I regret not telling someone closer to him about how much pain he was in.
This is how last night was. Thinking over and over again about how I could have done this or that. Then, I finally realized that I had broken my baptismal covenant. The covenant I made with the Lord never specified that I should comfort others only as my schedule permits. The covenant didn't restrict my mourning with others to situation that guarantee no social discomfort or emotional clumsiness. I am to do these things at all times. Every opportunity I see to comfort someone, even if I don't know the situation or feel ill equipped to help, is an opportunity for me to keep that covenant, or to break it.
My perception completely changed. I will strive to never be too busy to help someone again. I will put my awkwardness behind me and look for those in need whether they be people I know well, near strangers, or anything in between. The passing of my dear cousin is a tragic one, and I am eternally saddened that I didn't come to this realization until just last night. I know my actions won't change over night, but how I view things and where my focus is certainly has.
To those of you who have made batismal covenants, please make this change in your life now. Learn from my mistake rather than waiting to learn from your own.
To those of you who need comfort. Please talk to me. Let me know. Let others know. If they've seemed to ignore your pleas in the past, try again. Like me, they are imperfect beings who can sometimes be blinded by things that don't really matter.
To my cousin and his family. I'm sorry. I know this isn't my fault, but I'm sorry that I didn't try everything that I could.
I know my cousin is in a better place now. I know that the emotional pain from his hard life is gone. I know that his back doesn't hurt anymore, as well as the rest of his body. I know he is with his mother and sister. They aren't happy with how he joined them, but they are happy with him. They know he lived a good life while on this earth and that his life hereafter will be filled with his warm spirit and good works even still.
When I was baptized at the young age of eight I covenanted with God that I would strive to keep His commandments, that I would help buoy up those around me, and I would stand as a witness of God.
In the Book of Mormon, these passages from Mosiah 18 explain the covenant that I, and several others, have made.
8 And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are adesirous to come into the bfold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;
9 Yea, and are awilling to mourn with those that bmourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand ascwitnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the dfirst resurrection, that ye may have eternal life—
10 Now I say unto you, if this be the desire of your hearts, what have you against being abaptized in the bname of the Lord, as a witness before him that ye have entered into a ccovenant with him, that ye will serve him and keep his commandments, that he may pour out his Spirit more abundantly upon you?
This is the covenant that I broke over the past few weeks. My covenant to mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort.
Last night was a rough night. I spent the night sobbing, drifting off to sleep, waking up, and sobbing all over again. I imagine my night was very similar to several others in my extended family and may have even seemed easy to others.
Yesterday afternoon, my dear cousin took his own life. The purpose of this post isn't to condemn him nor is it to reflect negatively on him or his family. He is a wonderful son of God who is sorely missed. I have no doubt that God will look on all of the good deeds in his life and see even more goodness in him than his earthly family could ever see in him with their mortal eyes. I merely share how he passed so you can understand where I'm coming from.
His mother passed on February 23 of this year. The near two months of severe Depression finally proved too much for him. When someone you care for passes on in this way, I think a common train of thought is, "Oh I should have done something" or "I noticed this but I didn't think anything of it at the time." I know that's what I'm thinking, and I'm sure many of his loved ones are thinking the same thing. We have no way of knowing if our intervention would have accomplished anything, so it does us no good to dwell on these things in that sense, but as my husband relayed to me in a Priesthood blessing last night, these things should be a lesson to us for the future.
I remember sitting with my cousin at the hospital the day his mother died and not knowing how to respond to some of his woes then thinking later of all of the things I could have said to take away even the slightest bit of sorrow. Even after thinking of these comforting words, I kept them to myself.
I remember when my cousin came over to my area at work to help a new hire with someone and he began to tell a story. In the middle of his story his phone rang and he took it. I got up to go talk to another coworker about something because I was really busy, and when I came back, he was gone. I still don't know what he was telling me, but I regret not taking the time to listen when he needed it.
I remember seeing him walk out of the bathroom at work with red puffy eyes from crying. I gave him a weak smile. I thought about stopping him and talking to him, but I hesitated. What comfort could I give to him in his mother's passing? Was I even close enough to him to be able to provide him comfort? I don't know if anything from me would have helped him in his sorrow, but I regret not trying and I regret not telling someone closer to him about how much pain he was in.
This is how last night was. Thinking over and over again about how I could have done this or that. Then, I finally realized that I had broken my baptismal covenant. The covenant I made with the Lord never specified that I should comfort others only as my schedule permits. The covenant didn't restrict my mourning with others to situation that guarantee no social discomfort or emotional clumsiness. I am to do these things at all times. Every opportunity I see to comfort someone, even if I don't know the situation or feel ill equipped to help, is an opportunity for me to keep that covenant, or to break it.
My perception completely changed. I will strive to never be too busy to help someone again. I will put my awkwardness behind me and look for those in need whether they be people I know well, near strangers, or anything in between. The passing of my dear cousin is a tragic one, and I am eternally saddened that I didn't come to this realization until just last night. I know my actions won't change over night, but how I view things and where my focus is certainly has.
To those of you who have made batismal covenants, please make this change in your life now. Learn from my mistake rather than waiting to learn from your own.
To those of you who need comfort. Please talk to me. Let me know. Let others know. If they've seemed to ignore your pleas in the past, try again. Like me, they are imperfect beings who can sometimes be blinded by things that don't really matter.
To my cousin and his family. I'm sorry. I know this isn't my fault, but I'm sorry that I didn't try everything that I could.
I know my cousin is in a better place now. I know that the emotional pain from his hard life is gone. I know that his back doesn't hurt anymore, as well as the rest of his body. I know he is with his mother and sister. They aren't happy with how he joined them, but they are happy with him. They know he lived a good life while on this earth and that his life hereafter will be filled with his warm spirit and good works even still.
Awesome post. Love you and pray for you through all of this. Hope that lesson will drive home in a lasting permanent way. One of the reasons I have been studying body language is so that I can "see" things that aren't being said out loud. Being aware is the first step. And then you have a choice on what to do about it.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry Whitney. Thank you for sharing your feelings and for the reminder to keep my baptismal covenants. I too find myself withholding compassion and love at times,simply because I don't know what to say, or I am afraid of making the one in mourning feel uncomfortable. I need to get over that, because there are so many people who need to know that they are noticed, loved, and understood. I hope you and your entire family can find the peace you are needing. My aunt took her own life about 13 years ago. I have had some incredibly spiritual experiences with her since that time that have given me peace and greater understanding. As difficult as it seems right now, God is ultimately in control, and will allow every opportunity for your cousin to progress. Love you!
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