Change

It's interesting how our desires change. For some reason an e-mail between Jeff and I came to my mind today, and it's been stuck in my head. And if you know me then you know that when something gets stuck in my head I do one of the following depending on my laziness:

1. Write it on something (margin of notes, in my journal, on my pants, on my arm, pretty much anything).

2. Post it as a facebook status even if no one will know what it means.

3. Blog about it.

Since I'm bored and not feeling too lazy I've opted for the third.

Anyway, the e-mail. I'm not sure how we had gotten into this conversation but we were telling each other about our life plans. This was my life plan at age fifteen or sixteen:

"Well I'm going to graduate high school. After that I'm either becoming a Navy SEAL or going to school. If I'm not a SEAL I'll go on a mission then come back and go through vet school. Then I'm going to work on a wildlife reservation as a veterinarian."

Jeff then asked me if I was ever planning on getting married. My response:

"If a guy will come live with me on a reservation then sure I guess so, but if he isn't willing to then I just won't get married."

I held on to that plan for quite a few years (except the Navy SEAL part died off when I found out you have to be a man. Rude.) After a while the plan changed to a, "I don't think I'm even going to get married." I didn't like the idea of having to worry about another person's happiness or well-being. Besides that I didn't want to sacrifice my body or my time for children.

Well I am so very happy to report that my plans and views have changed. My desire to serve in the military completely died off when I realized that I wanted so very badly to be a wife and mother. At that time I was still striving towards my goal of being a veterinarian. Although I had changed my plan to opening my own clinic instead of working with wildlife. However, that changed as well when I saw what the life of the veterinarian I was working for was like.

She was running her own clinic like I had wanted. But with that came a price. If you are running a clinic and you need to take a day off for your family the entire clinic shuts down. Since she was the only veterinarian at the clinic she never took vacations with her family, and after school her young children would come to the clinic and sleep on the floor while she worked. I knew that wasn't the life I wanted for my family.

Let me tell you my new plan:

I plan to graduate from BYU in Computer Science. I plan to hopefully find a man to marry in the temple while I'm here. When we feel ready (mostly when he feels ready because I already feel so ready, but I guess that may change too) we will have children. If necessary I can work as a programmer from home. If my husband needs to move somewhere for school and work, I will willingly pack up and leave with him. There is no need for him to be willing to live on a wildlife reserve or a military base. I don't care where it is, just as long as the person I love most is there. All I want to do is serve those that I love. Before I worried about having to be responsible for the happiness and well-being of others, but that's all I want now. I want so very much to take care of my husband and children. I just want to make sure they are happy and that they know they are loved.

Now I know there are some out there scoffing at me and thinking something along the lines of, "Oh she's just a brainwashed woman." I know you're out there because I used to be just like you. I turned my nose up at the idea of being a homemaker. I didn't see any satisfaction in that. But now that's really all I see in it. It has got to be the most satisfying job ever, caring for your loved ones. So go ahead and scoff. I'm happy with my decisions.

This post really had no direction when I started it. I guess I mostly wrote it to prove to myself that I have progressed. I have become a better person with more noble goals than I was before, and that is great. If you hang out with me you may hear me say this a lot. Progression is all we're looking for. Just be a little better each day.

I also wrote it just because I think change is so very interesting. It's really the only reliable thing in life. Things will always change, and sometimes drastically. And here's the kicker, it's usually good. Change is usually good.

And now I think I will kill this post because my brain is wandering now. Buh-bye people of the internet.