A peek behind the mask

Those of you that have met me in real life most likely know me as a tough, never-takes-crap-from-anyone type of person. I rough it with the boys and I don't ever show my feelings. Those who just read my blog are probably confused by that. The only thing seen on here lately are all of those feelings I never show in real life. Well people, which is the real Whitney and which is the mask?

The truth is that yeah, I am a tough girl, and yeah, if you give me crap I'll fight back and your crap isn't going to change who I am. But the other truth is that even though I'm strong, I'm weak too. I know it's a paradox. It really does make sense in my deranged brain. People, I put on this facade of the constantly strong girl, but I do have feelings. I cry. A lot. I feel the need to talk to people a lot. I feel alone a lot. I act like I don't need people and I don't need comfort, but the truth is that I do. Yeah I'm tough, but I have weaknesses. I am human.

I don't know the point of this post. I'm just having one of those weak moments. Maybe the stress of finals is getting to me. Maybe the realization that I've been holding on to false hopes that will never show fruit is getting to me. I don't know, but something is getting to me, and it's making me sad.

It's put me in the situation where I just want someone to hold me while I cry. Someone to help me feel safe so I can take a break from this tough show and just feel vulnerable for a bit. Now I don't know if it's the same with guys, and I don't know if it's the same for those women in older generations, but that kind of comfort always seems to be the best when it comes from a non-family member of the opposite gender. Am I right girls? Yeah, I know I am. I know that I have plenty of guy friends that would be willing to provide that comfort, but I would feel incredibly guilty taking that from them because I really don't want to lead them on. The only people that I would feel comfortable accepting that comfort from would be from someone I am honestly interested in dating. Well, the two in my life that fit that category are either unable or unwilling to give that. So, now I'm stuck. It sucks.

Well kids, that ends my explosion of embarrassing weakness on the interwebs. Don't worry, if you wish it would continue there will likely be more. A depressing peace-out to all of you.