Relationship Red Flags
(stolen from the BYU Women's Services and Resources blog)
Most women who end up in abusive relationships saw the trouble coming before it all hit the fan, but turned a blind eye to the signs, thinking they weren’t a big deal or that they would go away once rings were on fingers.
The unfortunate fact that we as women usually end up ignoring the signs of problematic relationships is the capstone of really deep, hard issues: women want to be loved. We want to believe the best in people. We want to help people change. These noble desires can be a recipe for disaster if we don’t check them. Often, we have to do a lot of ignoring to make the feelings that a relationship is bad news go away: our family, friends, and especially our hearts seem to notice red flags pretty quickly.
James E. Faust quotes: “Someone once said we should keep our eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterward.” He goes on to say that often it is the other way around—and what a shame. We must keep our eyes peeled and be in tune with ourselves and the Spirit to make the vital decisions that come in our relationships.
Here are just a few of the more subtle signs of trouble in a relationship:
1. He never wants you to spend time with anyone else. He insists that you spend all your time with him—usually in the name of love. Someone who really loves you has your best interests at heart and wants you to develop yourself, relationships with your family and friends, and your personal interests.
2. He is especially jealous of any contact you have with other males. Things like reading your text messages, your emails, or accessing your facebook, etc. are all things to be extremely wary of. If he tries to prohibit you from interacting with any member of the opposite sex, even in a group situation, be wary.
3. He tries to control little things. What you wear, what you eat—these may seem like little battles to make him happy, but they are telltale signs of much deeper issues you will need to deal with.
4. He sends mixed messages. Abusers are often charmers, and a big reason victims stay in abusive relationships is the “make-up” that happens after an episode of abuse. The abuser will promise that he will never do _______ again, tell you how much he loves you, etc. A big deal in emotional abuse is trying to make you believe that he is abusing you because he loves you. e.g.”I tell you that you look fat because I am looking out for you” or “I want you to tell me about the money you spend so I can help you” etc.
5. He pressures the relationship to move faster than you’re comfortable with. If you’ve told him you’re not ready to be engaged and he pushes you relentlessly, take a step back and evaluate his motives.
The unfortunate fact that we as women usually end up ignoring the signs of problematic relationships is the capstone of really deep, hard issues: women want to be loved. We want to believe the best in people. We want to help people change. These noble desires can be a recipe for disaster if we don’t check them. Often, we have to do a lot of ignoring to make the feelings that a relationship is bad news go away: our family, friends, and especially our hearts seem to notice red flags pretty quickly.
James E. Faust quotes: “Someone once said we should keep our eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterward.” He goes on to say that often it is the other way around—and what a shame. We must keep our eyes peeled and be in tune with ourselves and the Spirit to make the vital decisions that come in our relationships.
Here are just a few of the more subtle signs of trouble in a relationship:
1. He never wants you to spend time with anyone else. He insists that you spend all your time with him—usually in the name of love. Someone who really loves you has your best interests at heart and wants you to develop yourself, relationships with your family and friends, and your personal interests.
2. He is especially jealous of any contact you have with other males. Things like reading your text messages, your emails, or accessing your facebook, etc. are all things to be extremely wary of. If he tries to prohibit you from interacting with any member of the opposite sex, even in a group situation, be wary.
3. He tries to control little things. What you wear, what you eat—these may seem like little battles to make him happy, but they are telltale signs of much deeper issues you will need to deal with.
4. He sends mixed messages. Abusers are often charmers, and a big reason victims stay in abusive relationships is the “make-up” that happens after an episode of abuse. The abuser will promise that he will never do _______ again, tell you how much he loves you, etc. A big deal in emotional abuse is trying to make you believe that he is abusing you because he loves you. e.g.”I tell you that you look fat because I am looking out for you” or “I want you to tell me about the money you spend so I can help you” etc.
5. He pressures the relationship to move faster than you’re comfortable with. If you’ve told him you’re not ready to be engaged and he pushes you relentlessly, take a step back and evaluate his motives.
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