Can't sleep...
I can't sleep. Why is that you may ask. Well, my mind is unhappy. It's unhappy with my life. I don't find my life satisfying. I don't find the relationships I'm in satisfying. I don't find my interactions with others satisfying. I don't even find myself satisfying.
I think my biggest problem though is that I don't find my relationships satisfying. I don't even feel like it's my fault. I know that's arrogant to think that, but I feel like I try so hard and that no one else does. I want to change my relationships and make them how I want them to be and make them what I see as good and healthy, but I don't know how. It all winds down to my problem with communication I guess. That and trust. I don't communicate what I would like in a relationship and I don't trust those I'm in a relationship with. I don't trust them to respect me or my feelings.
I don't know what happened to me. I used to be such a firecracker. I would never have settled for less. I used to make my opinions heard and make life my way. Now I just go along with everything. I let others tell me what to do and how to feel and who to be. I'm becoming redundant. Just a clone of those around me. That which is redundant is useless and not needed. If we already have one, two of the same thing won't make anything more efficient or better in any way. I've become like Ophelia in Hamlet.
I think my problem is that I don't trust them to still like me after I try and make things better. I feel like if I just make things good for others then maybe I'll get taken care of and my needs and wants will be fulfilled, but I've found it doesn't work that way. People don't know what you want or need. I just feel like if I tell them then I'm being selfish and greedy. I feel like I should just shut up and be happy with what I have, even if it's unsatisfying. It's really hard for me to just talk to people about what I'm really feeling, because at times I don't even know myself. All I can tell them is whether I feel good or bad. I don't know specific feelings and I don't know why. Since I don't know why I don't know how to fix it either.
Ugh. I just wish some people would put forth effort to make things special. I want to feel special. I want to feel like I have something to offer that no one else has and I want to be appreciated for that. Maybe I can't feel that way because I don't have anything special to offer.
Speaking of appreciation, I also feel extremely unappreciated. I feel like I put forth so much effort to make things good for others and to help others, yet they all take it for granted. Sure they say thank you, but the words 'thank you' have become so empty now. They mean practically nothing.
I would also like to be pleasantly surprised sometimes. I would love it if I came into the kitchen and someone else had taken out the trash instead of letting pile up and fill the apartment with the smell of rotting food. I would love it if I found the shower drain picked free of hair by someone else for a change. Heck those are things people should do anyway. I would just love it if someone would do something a little extra. I would love it if I found a nice little note or card tucked away somewhere or if I was surprised with a gift or something. There are enough decent human beings that are polite and such. I want one who is more than that. Everyone should do those simple things like the trash and the shower drain and such. I want people to move past those things that they already should be doing and move onto things that will make others feel wanted in this life.
Ugh... Well it's nearly three in the morning and I should try to go to sleep. I love having a blog. I feel like it's the only way I can really let people know how I'm feeling and what I want to change. Sometimes I feel like I can just type in a wish and it will come true. I just hope it works. Good night. Happy Friday.
First, you need to recognize that you ARE unique and special. There is only one Whitney Thayne in the world. Don't feel like you're just some cog whirling around in a circle inside the grand machine of life. You have a major role to play in this life and in the lives of others. You affect people in ways that you might not recognize at the moment, but, rest assured, there are those in the world that have undergone a change for the better because of you. Plus, there will continue to be people in the future who will benefit because of you. For example, some day you will find a really special guy who'll make you're life complete and happy, and you'll do the same for him. Never give up hope and never think that you're just some kind of a clone.
ReplyDeleteIn reality, we all face difficult challenges in our day to day lives. If I had it my way, I would make everyday a special adventure. Unfortunately, some days just have to be mundane and boring. Everyone has to wake up, go to work or school, pay bills, buy food, etc. However, everyday shouldn't have to be like this. (That's why God invented the weekend.) You need to identify past events in your life that were bright spots among all the unexciting days. These memories of good times should help lift you up when things are looking down. Learn to laugh, and don't let the crappy things in life drag you down. Once, you have your happy memories lifting your spirit, you need to find a way to make new memories today so that you have some new things to reflect on at some future date. Remember: God gave us memories so that we might have roses in the winter of our lives.
Here's a key thing to remember about trust. You need to give someone a little bit of your trust at first, and then give them more once they've proven themselves trustworthy with what you've already given them. For example, you would not confide all of your innermost secrets with someone you've just barely met. You may, on the other hand, confide secrets with family members (or spouse, in the future). If someone continually breaks your trust, DON'T KEEP TRUSTING THEM! Of course, Jesus taught us that we must forgive our neighbor, but we shouldn't keep setting up ourselves to be hurt time and time again by someone who keeps breaking our trust. As far as messy/lazy room mates go, just try to keep the eternal perspective in mind. You're not going to be with these people the rest of your life. If someone never takes out the trash, either you need to talk to them about it, or just take it out yourself. Don't make a big deal about it to the point where you're pulling out your hair. There's nothing wrong with politely asking someone to chip in and do their part.
In short, Whitney, please cheer up. It breaks my heart to know that there's some girl with spunk and energy out there who is really unhappy/miserable at the moment. Never give up hope and always remember that the Big Guy Upstairs loves you and is always watching out for you. (I hope it wasn't too blasphemous to refer to God as the Big Guy Upstairs.)