I don't even know

I don't even know what to blog about, but I just feel like I need to blog. Life hasn't gone how I wanted it to go, but I'm slowly learning that it doesn't matter. God is at the helm and he is guiding my life now. Just because God is steering though doesn't mean it still doesn't get hard sometimes. Just because God is steering doesn't mean I'm happy all of the time. I know that God is there and that he loves me just as he loves you, but I still feel alone and unloved at times. I know it's not true, but I feel it. I feel like I have a lot more time now. Before when I had a few spare moments I would occupy my thoughts with Kendall and how much I love him, but now it hurts. Now in my hour breaks between classes I feel empty and bored. I have to control my mind every moment or it will wander to thoughts of Kendall and what he would do if he were here, or what we would talk about, or what I could say to make that beautiful smile light up his face. Now I have to purge all such thoughts from my mind. It's exhausting. Night time is the worst. After the day has calmed down and I'm not busy anymore my mind is free to wander. I try to get to be as soon as possible now, hoping to beat the thoughts and memories, but I can never manage it. I hate lying in bed trying to get to sleep. It's the most horrible lonely thing ever. Everyone keeps telling me that God has someone out there for me who is way better for me than Kendall and who will love me always and who won't criticize my makeup application, my hair color, or how I feel. They all tell me that there is someone out there who will love my imperfections because it means that we can progress together. They all tell me that there is someone out there looking for me and waiting to take me up in their arms and to tell me how wonderful I am. My reply to them is that he should just hurry up and find me already. So come on now. I'm not hiding. I'm right here. Find me. Well I guess I just have to trust that God is steering both of our lives and trust that our two lanes will eventually merge. I just wish I had some indication of when. I guess knowing when doesn't really matter though does it. It won't make a difference. I just like to know so that I can be ready I guess. Do you understand what I mean? It would just be nice to know. I'm tired of unplanned changes in my life. But I guess life will always be full of twists and turns. We never really know what God will throw at us. You know I think God is the best at character development. Don't even try to compare him to those authors or those screenplay writers, because they will never be able to live up to his expertise. Every single one of God's characters has a background story that explains who they are and how they act. Every single person is a character developed with all of the pieces of the puzzle. With study we can see the full picture of any of God's characters. I wonder what my picture shows. I wonder what clues each of my pieces gives. Is my picture pleasing to look on? Or is it one that once someone puts all of the pieces together they leave disappointed and disturbed? Upon completing the puzzle do the go away feeling like their time was well spent because of the beautiful picture they've put together? Or do they go away feeling like they have just wasted their time because the picture they've completed is disturbed and unpleasing to them? Maybe they don't even like puzzles. There are people out there who don't like puzzles right? Maybe I just need someone who likes to solve puzzles. Either that or I need to put most of the pieces together for them. I don't really want to do the puzzle for them though. I guess I need someone who likes puzzles enough to make it worth it regardless of what the picture looks like. Then it wouldn't matter. And maybe after they've completed the puzzle they could change the picture. Or at least help me change the picture. Maybe as they get further along into the puzzle some of the pieces will fall away and new ones will take their place. New, more wonderful pieces will replace the old worn ones. That would be wonderful. I think that once he finally put the puzzle together, Kendall didn't feel like it was worth it at all. I don't think he liked the picture and I don't think he felt like it would change enough to make it worth while to stick around. Dang it! I'm letting my mind wander again. Maybe God could change my picture before I started letting people get to the pieces again. Then this whole thing wouldn't be a problem. I wouldn't have to worry about wasting people's time. Hmm... What about other people's puzzles? I suppose some are easier to put together. Is that because they leave a bunch of pieces in the box still connected, or do they just have less pieces? I know that everyone has those few problem pieces that just don't really seem to fit with the picture, or they're just ugly, but when you put them in the right place they really help create a complete picture. But are there some people who have just lived extremely unextraordinary lives? They've got such large general pieces that their puzzle takes a mere five minutes to put together? I don't think so. I think that some people think that. Or if they don't really think that then they act like they do. Some people see someone and automatically they jam the four corners together and say to themselves, "What a boring picture." and they move on. You may be able to get a feel for the picture from a five minute corner jam, but you won't get anything of substantial value. People take time. They are huge projects with thousands of pieces. Some people have really pretty boxes that show a simple happy puzzle, but when you open the box you find that this is going to be a hard, stubborn puzzle. Or it may still be easy, but the picture won't match the picture on the box. It doesn't really help to look at the picture when putting together a person's puzzle. I like puzzles, but I'm tired. I'm just too tired to start any new puzzles right now. Maybe if someone would separate the edges for me I would be more eager to start. The last puzzle I put together was a hard one. It's still not completed, but someone has taken the pieces from me. You know those people really bother me. Those people who mind their own business while you labour through the more complicated parts of the puzzle, and just near the end they swoop in and finish it when you aren't there, or they come around acting all friendly with a, "I'm going to help you." No you're not. You're going to take the rewards for completing the puzzle while I did all of the work. Where were you when I really needed help? Oh I see, you were off by the pool sipping a piña colada. You were frolicking in the fields of happiness while I separated the edges and organized the colors and textures and waded through the sludge of sorrow and pain. Now that I'm through you take my puzzle away to the fields of happiness and leave me to start all over again. I was finally seeing the picture. I was finally beginning to like that picture and finaly seeing how the ugly pieces complimented the beautiful ones so nicely. I was finally beginning to love everyone of those pieces for what they were because without them the picture would be different. Without them the picture wouldn't be as beautiful. Now you have the puzzle. The ugly pieces are already fit and you don't have to ever worry about them. The picture is nearly complete and I don't get to see the finished product. You will take the glory. The arete will be yours. Arete will out live death. It will be yours forever. Well fine! Take my puzzle. Finish it. Lucky for you I've left some pieces intact. Lucky for it the last pieces are probably easier. Lucky for you the puzzle will probably be more willing to lend a hand. After all I changed the initial picture. The picture looks more like the box now. Lucky you. Lucky lucky you. I'm going to stay here in this sludge and start a new puzzle. Maybe I'll start my own puzzle. No one can steal my own puzzle. They can help if I let them. I don't know that I'd let them though. I don't want my pieces haphazardly jammed into any place. I want the colors and the lines to match up. I want the shapes to fit. If someone wants to help they had better be ready to actually invest some time into my puzzle. It's not an easy puzzle. I haven't even seen the picture and I've been working on it for a long time. Maybe that's the nature of puzzles though. We can't really see our own picture. Well at least not without an extension of ourselves outside of ourselves. I thought I saw my picture before. I could see it in the reflection of the eyes of my last puzzler. At first I didn't really like it, but I think that's because I was focusing in on the ugly pieces only and not on those around them. It took some time, but after a while the eyes of my puzzler showed me the best parts of the puzzle. Those eyes showed me the beauty the pieces made after being fit so wonderfully together. Now he wasn't a very good puzzler. I don't think he got much done and I think he quit the puzzle early, but he did help me see more of the picture. He changed the picture too. It's much better now. At times my picture seems to radiate with feeling. Even though many of the pieces are undiscovered he still made a huge difference. I would still like him to be my puzzler. I like the picture he showed me. At times while he was puzzling he would tell me all of the wonder the picture held. He would tell me the beauties of the picture. I miss seeing my picture through his eyes. In his eyes my picture felt beautiful. I felt beautiful. I guess I will have to live with my memory of my picture until a new puzzler comes along to show me what the picture looks like in his eyes. I don't know that it will be as wonderful though. I just want to finish my puzzle. Maybe God will be my puzzler. He has the real picture upstairs. It would be easy for Him to finish the puzzle. Even as my picture changes His picture upstairs changes with it. He made my picture. He is the artist. I want Him to be my puzzler. Show my what my picture looks like. Then maybe when my mortal puzzler comes along I will be able to help him with the arduous task of matching up all of the pieces. Maybe the puzzles don't even have edge pieces. They just continue outward as we gain more pieces. Maybe God has the edges. He's waiting for us to find the end. But I don't really think that there is an end. We never stop progressing right. Well by that I mean we have the potential to never stop progressing. I suppose if we don't put forth the effort we won't progress. Maybe the puzzle just keeps getting bigger and bigger and the picture more and more magnificent. Maybe my puzzle fits with another puzzle to make an even more grandiose picture. Then from there we will add pieces to both ends and continue the picture onward for eternity. Well... I guess if I'm going to start a new puzzle I need to focus my eyes away from a computer screen. Wish me luck. *sigh*