Blah...

That is what I am feeling right now. Just blah... I don't really know what blah is though. I know it's not happy. It's not angry. It's not excited. Well, it's nothing positive so we can just throw all of those emotions out. It's not boredom. At least I don't think it is. It shouldn't be sadness because I have nothing to be sad about. My life is full of so many wonderful things. But I feel kind of sad which is confusing me which in turn is frustrating me. So I guess blah is sadness, confusion, frustration, with a bit of I-don't-even-care-anymore-ness. I guess that would be despair. So with a bit of despair. That makes me sound horribly depressing. I don't really think I'm depressing. I've had many people tell me that I'm one of the more fun people they know and that they love spending time with me and that I make them so very happy. But then again I've had people tell me that I make them sad. They tell me that they feel bad around me. Those people who tell me that are usually the people I talk to when I'm feeling like this. That's probably the reason. But I don't know what to do with them. They tell me to just tell them how I feel and they tell me that whenever I need to talk that they are always there for me, but it's almost like they say that hoping I won't listen. When I do what they say or want them to be there for me they get frustrated. Maybe I'm just doomed to live forever in a pseudo happiness in order to spare those around me from my cloud of gloom and doom. It doesn't seem fair though. Some say that I make them so happy. Well where is my happiness? Where are those that I can say that to? It seems that they are busy elsewhere. Maybe I haven't done enough to have them in my life yet. Anyway, back to blah. Why do I feel this way? I don't really know. I don't really feel any motivation to do anything. I don't really enjoy the things I used to. Well I enjoy them to a degree, but it feels like everything is tainted. I'm not sure what it's tainted with, but it doesn't satisfy me. This feeling is the worst in the mornings and evenings. Every morning I feel like it's a miracle if I can just get out of bed for the day. Then in the evenings I wander around aimlessly just waiting for something to happen. I don't act. I just wander. I'm really good at moving, yet getting no where at the same time. But it feels like there is no where to go. Well not really anyway. It's like I'm just waiting for the place to come to me. I'm waiting for life to happen instead of living it. I don't really know how to fix that though. Maybe I need to do something extreme. I'm not considering any of these, but maybe this is why people self mutilate or have eating disorders. They want to do something less than ordinary. Maybe I should go sky diving or bungee jumping or base jumping. What about bull riding. Or maybe lion taming. Hmm... Maybe this is why people join the armed forces too, Well at least why some join the armed forces. They want a future and a direction. Maybe I'm having an identity crisis. I don't really know myself. Maybe I need to go somewhere where no one know me and then I can recreate myself. Then I wouldn't be accused of being fake when I wasn't depressing. I wouldn't make people feel bad when they spend time with me. I've considered doing study abroad in Europe. Madrid is looking for people this winter. I probably won't do this winter though. There are events I want to be in Utah for and a person I want to be with. Soon he won't be in Utah though and I won't feel like I'm missing out if I go to Madrid or wherever. Although if I go away I will feel like I'm running away from my problems. But I guess my problems are inside of myself so I won't be running from them because they will come with me. I'll merely be relocating them. Those who read this please don't think that I'm a coward or that I'm weak. I'm not. I'm strong and I have a brave heart. I'm just a tad confused right now. Well to those who made it to the end of this depressing lame post, thank you for reading. You either have nothing better to do, or you are twisted in a way that this was interesting to you. Happy Wednesday everyone. Good night.