Bored...

I really don't know what to post.  I'm bored out of my skull.  I was going to go to a dance tonight, but now I'm stuck at my parents house tending a bundle of little boys.  Joyous... *sarcasm*  Not only is Kendall gone for the weekend, but even if he was I would still be stuck here.  It's my own fault. I agreed to come over here for the night.  I just wish any of my siblings weren't preoccupied with their friends.  I'm all alone.  All alone and doing laundry, and now, blogging about nothing.  I really want to sleep, but I have to stay awake until Jen gets home.  Her curfew is 11:30.  It's only 9:11.  It's going to be a long night.  I really want a steak.  At Applebees they have that 2 for $20 where you can get one appetizer and 2 entrees for just twenty bucks.  They have a really delicious looking steak entree.  I kind of want it. It's also unbelievably hot in my parents house which is why I'm outside blogging on my trampoline with my wonderfully soft blanket and my faithful little yapping puppies keeping watch.  I'm not sure of the purpose of this entry.  I think I just need to vent.  I feel like I can't talk to my family or friends (even though a lot of them are going to read this anyway) because they expect me to be stronger and better, but I just can't be everything they want or need me to be.  I know Kendall will say I could've talked to him and vented to him, but I just feel like it would have turned into him lecturing me about taking better care of myself and being more concerned with my future and he would get frustrated then feel bad about something.  After reading this he'll probably just feel bad.  Sorry Kendall.  Don't feel bad. I don't blame you for anything.  I just have no motivation to do anything I'm supposed to do.  It's not that I'm not productive.  I'll study my vet stuff or anything else that doesn't pertain to my current class load, but whenever it comes to actually getting stuff done I just get tired and want to sleep.  Maybe I'm just so afraid of failure so I figure that if  I don't even try I can't fail, but I guess not doing anything is still failing.  I can't seem to live up to any expectations.  I'm in way over my head.  College is hard.  I'm not good enough for BYU.  I should've gone to UVU or a community college or something like that.  Some how my roommates get it.  They can sit down and really study.  Whenever I try to do that I just get frustrated and usually start crying.  Because of my failure and stress level I don't get much sleep at night.  I can fall asleep fast (usually) but then I wake up two or three times a night for about an hour then end up sleeping in.  Even after sleeping in I'm still exhausted.  I'm so exhausted that when Kendall comes over I just end up falling asleep with my head in his lap then he gets frustrated which just adds to the stress.  Now that I can't nap when Kendall comes over I move my nap time to my "attempted homework and study" time.  To make up for my loss of homework time, I would normally do it at night before going to bed.  It worked really well for me in high school, but Kendall is so worried because I'm always tired, he wants me to get to bed early and if I tell him I'm staying up he argues with me then gets frustrated again.  He means well.  I know he does and none of this is his fault.  If I could just use my time more wisely I wouldn't be so stressed then I wouldn't lose sleep at night and then I wouldn't even have this problem.  Now the question is, 'How do I find the motivation?'  I thought my dreams for the future would be enough, but I guess I just don't even care about anything.  I understand the whole concept of delayed gratification and I know it works, but I can't bring myself to implement it.  I hate feeling this way.  I hate feeling like the stupid failure that doesn't belong at BYU.  Maybe I should ask my dad for a blessing.  I don't think he gave me one at the beginning of the year like he usually does.  Maybe he did, but I don't remember.  I'm so sick of being tired. I'm so sick of crying. I'm so sick of not being good enough.  I hate this.  It gets so bad it's even making me ill.  Since throwing up four times last Wednesday I have had a constant headache, woken up feverish, been coughing, and puked twice more.  I've even had dreams about throwing up.  Even in my sleep I can't escape the despair.  I really need a hug... *sigh* Well I'm going to attempt HEPE homework.  Sorry if this post was depressing.  Please don't read too much into it.  I'm just a moody girl.