A lot on my mind...
"God fashioned me
For feeding;
And set me in
A hungry land."
For feeding;
And set me in
A hungry land."
-Carol Lynn Pearson
In me, God has made someone who wants to help, someone who wants to serve. When I was younger, I never wanted to be a mom and I only wanted to marry a man that would follow me where my career took me as I tried to prove myself in a man's world. Well, since then my view has changed. All I want to do with my life is work for those that I love. That sounds so perfect.
Now at the moment I have no husband and no children, but I love my friends so much and I strive to be the help they need. As Pearson stated, "God fashioned me for feeding and set me in a hungry land." These friends that I love so much are hungry. They come to me with all of their problems. It seems that an exceptional amount of people find me to be an excellent confidant. My friends tell me things they've only ever told their girl/boyfriends, bishops, or parents. Or even things they've never told anyone. Well, as is my nature, I feed them. I feed them until I have nothing left to eat myself.
Don't get me wrong, feeding the hungry of this land brings me such joy. I love being there for my friends because I love them. It's just that, at times, I wish there were someone to feed me. Their problems weigh on my mind. At times I'll lie awake at night and worry for them. I stare at the ceiling and try to work out a solution. I'll wake at obscure hours of the morning with them on my mind and lie awake for hours. At times these things weigh on me so much that when a problem of my own crops up it nearly crushes me.
Well lately a lot of friends have come to me lamenting that they just want so much to have someone to love them. My feeding self pipes up in my head and says, "Well, I could love them." There's a problem with that. I can't give all of them the kind of love they want. I want so much to serve them and be what they need, but I can't. And it's really hurting me that I can't. I want them to be happy. I just don't know how to help them be happy.
I've even had one situation lately where in helping one friend be happy another is becoming even more unhappy. It's tearing me apart. I want so much for them all to be happy. I want so much to feed all of them, but I'm running out of food.
I know this post is kind of all over the place and that it's really vague and that some of you will even want some more details. Well, you won't get any. I just needed to write and this is where I do it. Enjoy this glimpse into my issues.
Let me feed you, because I love you.
ReplyDeleteYou're an incredible friend, Whitney. The best I know. You have an incredible capacity to nurture and LISTEN. I have always admired you for this. People want to tell you everything because you're instantly recognized as trustworthy and gracious.
I miss you. I hope you're doing well and find a way to escape every once in a while. :D
I feel your pain entirely Whitney. I may not know exactly what's up, but I understand your situation all too well. Well, the situation you just vaguely described anyway.
ReplyDeleteWhitney...
ReplyDeletetake this for what it's worth (which may be very little.) Although I obviously don't know what problems people are confiding in you, I think that sometimes it's VERY important to be able to step away from your friends problems - let them know you love them, but also create the emotional space you need until you can care about them without carrying them. The best friends I've ever had have been the ones who show me they believe in me by listening to my problems and then telling me to figure out my own answers. Sometimes. : )You're wonderful.
Whitters, if you ever need to talk...I'll listen. Not saying you have to bring your problems to me, but please know I love you and will listen.
ReplyDelete