Hypaethral

Snarky Giveaway from my cousin's store

2012-01-17T14:22:00.002-07:00

That's right friends, my cousin is doing a give away! Details here!

Writing papers in college

2011-11-04T11:09:00.003-06:00

I totally understand teachers in Junior High and High School requiring a specific length for writing assignments. We were bratty teenagers who just wanted to be lazy and we didn't think we could even write 2 pages. We needed the length requirement to teach us how to write. Once we reach University level we should already be capable of expressing ourselves without someone forcing us to come up with content to fill space.

If you ever, in your career-life, are given a writing assignment, I highly doubt your superior will tell you that you must fill three pages and each paragraph must be at least a half page in length. No, that's ridiculous. He will ask you to address all aspects of the topic maybe even as concisely as possible. (Which we all know I'm awful at). Sure, some of your paragraphs may be a half of a page or longer, but what of that one that's just a quarter page? Requiring that it be a half page almost ensures you will get a quarter page of redundant crap.

So why on earth do University professors give length requirements? If I can argue my point effectively in a page and a half (not likely for me, but just for the sake of making my point) then let me do it. If it takes five pages, then so be it. Universities shouldn't make requirements for quantity, then expect the result to be of the highest quality. When students are worried about lengthening a paper or trimming one down their writing becomes redundant, or in the other case, lacks necessary details.

And, we'll end my ramble/rant with a quote:

“Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts.”
-William Strunk Jr.

Hello longest post of my life.

2011-11-02T12:12:00.003-06:00

Well people, I’m getting married in 44 days. NBD. It’s just one of the most important days of my life. Whatevs. Totally not freaking out. Cool as a cucumber.

In other news, we’ve taken our engagement and bridal (or groomal, it’s a real thing) pictures. We had them done by Angela Marie Photography. This is one of the lovely sneak peeks she put up of our engagements. Michael and I are super cute, huh?

So there’s this girl in my Greek and Roman mythology class who has long blonde hair, kind of. Right down the middle of her head she has a line. The left side is completely blonde, and the right is super light brown. Crazy, huh? Not only that, but her eyebrows are the same way! Her left eyebrow is so blonde you can barely see it, and her right eyebrow is the same light brown. I don’t know how those things even happen. I read a story online once about a 100% African American couple giving birth to a very white and blonde baby. The baby wasn’t albino, and it was proven to belong to the father through all of those tests that tell that sort of thing. Man, I don’t know why that happens. Maybe it’s God having a sense of humor. *shrugs*

I’m a bad blogger. I used to be so great. I would see things in the world and I would think, “I want to blog about that.” Then I would go home and sit down and type. It didn’t matter if it was good. I just wanted to get words out to the world. Now I’ve somehow gotten in the mindset that I have to have something meaningful to say. Well gosh darnit, I don’t! It’s my blog and I can put any garbage on it that I want! But that’s the problem. I don’t have that drive anymore. I don’t know why, but I want it back. Maybe I’ll find it.

Do you guys remember when I did weekly reviews of secret Jamba flavors? Those were good times. I’m a bit too poor to start that up again though. :P I do love Jamba though.

You know what is great? Having a best friend. One that you know you’ll have forever. I had best friends growing up. I was best friends with three boys in my area named Grant, Rhett, and Drew when I was young. I had a huge crush on Drew. But eventually we realized that cooties were in fact real and we stopped playing together. After that I was best friends with Miquelle. Man we had great times. We played Neopets, Pokemon, Petz, and Sega. But, in third grade our elementary school split and she went to the new school. I actually saw her recently though at her wedding reception. Man, I love that girl. After Miquelle I was friends with Jenna in fourth grade. We told each other that we were second best friends though because we both had best friends (Miquelle and Anna), but they just didn’t go to our school. That didn’t last too long. I don’t know why but I started hanging out with Tiffany, Stacia, and TJae in sixth grade. It was my first time hanging out with “the cool kids”. And they weren’t very cool. I don’t know how they are now, but from them I learned to be rude and judgmental. I learned to be an elitist and somewhat of a flirt when it came to boys. Luckily, I didn’t stay friends with them. When I went to junior high I met Wendy in band class. We both played clarinet. We had great times making up songs in her backyard and eating tons of ice cream right off the tabletop. But for some reason in eighth grade that faded away. She got in a higher band class than me and I was kind of left behind.

(Now, this isn’t a sob story about how all of my friends left me. I realize that it’s the way of things for people to grow apart and move on. I’m merely spewing out the words in my head. I don’t want your pity. That’s not my purpose in writing.)

For that next year I kind of bounced around in a group of people. I hung out with Kailey a lot because I liked the boy that liked her, Jeff. At some point I got in with different group. I started hanging out with Jordan, Courtney, and Karissa. Somehow we pulled Jeff into our group when he had given up on Kailey. It’s this group that I considered my best friends for a long time, and I still kind of do. It wasn’t until I broke up with Jeff in my freshman year of college that we stopped hanging out a lot. I mean going away to college made it hard to get together, but it was really after I broke up with Jeff that we stopped getting together. It was sad, but I did have a new friend. I had started dating Kendall at that point. You guys know how it is, you date someone and they become your best friend and you rarely hang out with anyone else. So Kendall was my new best friend. We had good times, but a lot of our time was spent trying to be happy even though we weren’t entirely. It’s a sad thing to be in a relationship for over a year and to feel like something is off the entire time, but never realizing it. I’m not going to say nothing good came from my relationship with Kendall because I did learn a lot about myself and I did grow a lot closer to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, but a lot of my fears about relationships now come from that time in my life. Anyway, you know the story of him leaving on his mission and all that stuff. He wrote me off in December, then unwrote me off, then wrote me off in January, but kept writing. So I told him to stick with his guns and stop writing me. So he did. And I moved on with my life.

While Kendall was gone and before I started school again I got close to Heather who is so very great, and who is getting her missionary home today. Anyway, we became good friends, but I'm terrible with friends who are girls, so probably because of my neglect we didn't hang out much. (I still love you tons though.)

Anyway, back when Kendall was still writing me I met Michael in October. We hung out and had a good time. I felt good because it seemed like he wanted nothing more than friends and that he was interested in a girl named Megan. So we did a lot of things together and then we started hanging more one on one and I started to fall for him. So at this point I knew that I really liked him, but for some reason I was still somewhat set on Kendall. (It may have just been my stubbornness and wanting to say that I was one of those who made it the two years). Anyway, I found out that Michael liked me from a text that he sent to my friend/cousin/roommate Emily. I still remember the exact wording. “So, I’m kind of head over heels for your cousin.” So one day he confessed it to me, but I was scared so I told him that I didn’t want to date him.

Then in November I invited him to second Thanksgiving with my family. (You know, all of the leftovers that practically make a feast on it’s own). We ate delicious food and played games. It was a lot of fun, and that’s when I decided that I would give it a shot. He wasn’t asking me to write Kendall off like his roommate did (a different story for a different time, or maybe not at all), and he wasn’t asking for a huge commitment. So the Monday that we got back to school I decided to tell him that I wanted to date him. Now, we had been sort of cuddling since he told me that he liked me, and that day he was acting really weird. I texted him and told him that he was being weird and that we needed to talk that night. So after FHE we went over to my apartment and we talked. It was kind of like one of those scenes in a movie or tv show where they both have something to say and one person says, “You go first.” Then the other person tells them that they feel weird about things and maybe we shouldn’t date or be cuddly. The other person is deflated because they were about to express their feelings of affection. Yeah, that’s what happened. I almost wanted to say “I should’ve gone first.” But whatever. So I didn’t say what I wanted to say. I let things go on as just friends for reals this time.

I don’t know at what point I let him know, but eventually it was very clear to him and everyone that I wanted to date him, but he didn’t want to date me. So we were just friends, and we became the best of friends. I remember telling him that I was a bit sad, because I don’t keep friends well, and I was worried that I would lose another best friend. Well, come December we were still good friends. Kendall wrote me off on the last day of finals. That was a crap for crap day. I think I got like a D on that final. Anyway, Michael came over for Christmas Eve (I love that my family was okay with me bringing a boy over who was just a friend for such a huge holiday.) We had a great time and he got to be a part of our Christmas Eve traditions. The next day after all of our visits to grandparents I went over to his apartment because I knew he was there all by himself and that’s just sad on Christmas. We played some video games and probably watched some TV and talked. That’s the day Michael decided he wanted to date me. I was ecstatic! We had a good Christmas break, spending time with my family, making delicious breakfasts together.

Then New Years Eve came. We were talking that night and we talked about how he would be weird when everyone came back to our apartment complex after Christmas. He said that he probably would and apologized. I shrugged and told him that it was okay.

Well, he was weird. He stopped being a boyfriend and went back to friend. That, and I kind of felt like he was avoiding me. So I called him out on it, again. I told him that I was sad. He asked me if it was because of our relationship, and I asked, “What relationship?” (It’s odd how I can remember some conversations nearly word for word, but I forget people’s names just seconds after introduction.) He confessed that he wasn’t really feeling it anymore and he was just hoping it would die down. So just like that we were just friends again.

We hung out nearly everyday and, after getting through some weirdness with another girl, we were best friends again. He knew I wanted to date him, and maybe he even knew that I loved him at that point. In any case he knew that I cared for him quite a bit. Yet, for some reason he wouldn’t date me. My friends told me to give up on him. I told them that I cared about him enough to give him time if he needed it. I had so much hope that he would come around. Well, my hope paid off. April 23, after going to dinner with his family to celebrate his graduation from BYU we went to my parent’s house to hang out. We got to talking and he told me that he wanted to date me again. Even though it was what I wanted I was wary. I didn’t want to be hurt again. Well, we started dating again and things were very different than the first time. They were so much better and much more real. We had fun times and he came on family trips to Lake Powell and Beaver Mountain.

Before we left for Lake Powell I dropped the L word. Not lesbian, not even lesbians (it’s a movie reference mom. Don’t get weird. Go watch Scott Pilgrim.), I told him that I loved him. He didn’t reciprocate, at least not immediately, and I was okay with that. I would rather he tell me when he feels it, not when I feel it. July tenth, the Sunday after Lake Powell, he told me that he loved me too. Things were great. The relationship only got better. I started seriously considering marriage. I prayed. I fasted. I went to the temple. I felt great about it. I had no clue how he felt about it.

In August, he started school at Duke, and he invited me to join him and his friend Cory for a drive across country to move him out there. So, my hope ever strong, even when it seems the end of thing are near, I went. On our way to pick up his friend from SLC to head across country, I knew that this would be our last time alone. I told him that I wanted to marry him. He said that he didn’t know how he felt about it, and I told him that it was fine. He had a long drive to think about it.

We went on our Voyage. We got stranded in Wyoming. Replaced an entire coolant system. Made it to Indiana where we stayed with his brother and his wife for a night. Continued on to Pennsylvania where his parents live and we stayed there for a few days. That’s where the gears started turning. We had a good time with his family and one night we stayed up talking, and marriage came up. We talked about the logistics of things, like when it would happen and if I was willing to move out east. We found a way to make everything work, but he wouldn’t give me a definite answer. He told me that when he prayed he got that feeling that if it was something he wanted that it was a good thing and that he should do it. The next day he drove Cory and I around to show us the schools he went to. We got out to play on the playground at his elementary school, and when Cory was off running through the trees and what not we got a chance to talk. AND…He said that he wanted to marry me! I was filled with bliss. The birds were singing, there were faeries dancing in the woods around us, and unicorn babies were taking their first steps in a clearing nearby. It was a beautiful moment.

And because this story is getting way too long, and going way too far off the intended point of the story, I’ll save the rest of the trip to Duke and the proposal story for later.

SO, as I was saying, it feels so great to have a best friend FOREVER! We say that in grade school, but it’s not really real. At least it wasn’t for me, but now it’s real. Michael and I are BFFs, and it’s great. I don’t have to wish that I had this or that friend to do this or that with again. I can just do those things with Michael! That great time I had with Wendy, or Miquelle, or Kendall I can have with Michael instead. I don’t have to miss that because I can have it. I know this probably isn’t making sense to you guys. Just know that I’m so excited and grateful to have a best friend that I will be able to have all of my adventures with for the rest of eternity. J It’s great.

So, Michael, I love you. World, you’re great. December 17^th, hurry up. And hugs and kisses for you all. (Buuuuut mostly just for Michael.)

The Endless State of Engagement

2011-10-24T12:13:00.002-06:00

As much as I love Michael, and as much as I love the fact that I'm going to marry him, I hate being engaged. Planning a wedding. Not fun. Not easy. Planning a wedding while going to school and working. Nearly impossible.

Not only are we busy trying to get all of these things ready, but we are also finding that learning to work with someone else is hard. When it's just you you can do what you want. You don't have to think about how your actions will affect someone else. I mean you should, but you don't have too.

Well, being engaged means thinking of the other person and thinking of the future in every decision you make. People should think of those things anyway, but when you are planning and preparing for a life with someone it makes it even more important.

I think one of the things my betrothed and have a problem with is that in our time as single people we have become somewhat unmoldable. We were so focused on becoming someone and being that person no matter what someone else said or thought that it makes change hard now. We are both learning how to change how we've functioned for so long to fit another person into it. It's hard, but once we figure it out things will run a lot smoother. Decisions will be made better and stress will be dealt with more effectively.

Even though this time of my life is hard I don't think I'd give it up. We are learning a lot about each other, most good, some not so good, we are learning a lot about us as a couple, and we are growing in love. I'm so grateful for Michael and the patience he has for me and the compassion he shows. He is such a great blessing in my life. Here's to 53 more days of frustrating betrothment, then a lifetime of finally being out of this state of engagement.

Happiest News Ever

2011-08-18T00:28:00.002-06:00

Well people, it's happened. I'm engaged to the best man in the world! My fiance (ooh), Michael and I are getting married in December! I am so excited to spend the rest of eternity with my best friend! I love you Michael!

20 Great Things About Dating a Writer

2011-08-04T20:57:00.000-06:00

Original post here.

Here’s a look at 20 reasons to date a writer:

Writers will romance you with words. Dating a writer means that you will receive love letters. Quirky notes will turn up in your pockets. Flowery descriptions of everything great about you will be shared on special occasions. See my recent post on things to write someone for Valentine’s Day for an idea of what you may receive when dating a writer.
Writers will write about you. Date a blog writer and you’ll find yourself bookmarking that blog to see if there are references to you in it. Date a poet and you will see yourself reflected back in some of the lines of poetry that the person recites at open mic nights. Your narcissistic tendencies will be happily fed when you date a writer. Of course, the drawback here is that dating a writer means that personal details about you may turn up in written form and the writer may write much less flattering things about you if you break up.
Writers will take you to interesting events. Writers, as a general rule, are curious people. We like to go to lots of different types of things so that we can widen the boundaries of our life experience and therefore broaden our writing. When you date a writer, you can expect to be invited to everything from burlesque shows to roller derby races to foreign countries.
Writers will remind you that money doesn’t matter so much.People who write for a living don’t do it to get rich. They know that money may matter but it’s not the most important thing in life. Dating a writer will help to remind you that it’s important to pursue your passions.
Writers will acknowledge you and dedicate things to you.Writers are big on acknowledging those who have helped them. Almost every book at the bookstore has a page for dedications and / or acknowledgments. Song writers and poets frequently include a dedication on their work. Date a writer and the world will know that you’ve supported someone in the arts.
Writers will offer you an interesting perspective on things.There is a writing quote about how writers taste life twice – once in the living and once in the re-telling on the page. Writers pay attention to interesting details in life so that they can recapture the world in their writing. When you date a writer, you will be privy to all of their insights about life’s events and experiences – and you may find that you get to see things in a whole new light.
Writers are smart. The majority of writers are intelligent people. They are usually well-read and well-educated which means they can hold their own in many types of conversations. Dating someone dumb just isn’t fun for long; dating someone smart is always an interesting challenge.
Writers are really passionate. Writers use all of their senses. They are passionate about their work and passionate about their lives. Your life will be enhanced by this passion for things when you date a writer.
Writers can think through their feelings. Writers may be really passionate but most of them don’t fly off-the-handle with emotion. They like to take time to process things. This ability is a true asset in a long-term relationship.
Writers enjoy their solitude. Unless you’re in the honeymoon phase of your relationship, you probably want at least some time to yourself and time to spend with your friends and family. Writers want time to be alone to write and think which means that you’ll get your own much-needed space as well.
Writers are creative. This sounds obvious but it has a deeper truth to it. Creative people are more capable of coming up with solutions to problems in life. Dating a writer means a chance to come up with creative solutions to life’s problems.
Writers wear their hearts on their sleeves. Sure this depends on the writer but most writers are pretty good at articulating what is going on with them. If they adore you, you’ll know it. If they’re mad at you, you probably won’t have to guess at why.
Writers will teach you cool new words. Writers love words. It can be irritating when they use ten dollar words in normal conversations but it can also be kind of fun to stretch your mind and build your vocabulary. Expect to play lots of Scrabble when dating a writer.
Writers may be able to adjust their schedules for you. Writers who can set their own schedules might be willing to rearrange things to spend time with you. They might be happy to meet you for a long lunch or to spend a luxurious morning in bed with you. Don’t expect the writer you’re dating to give up all of his or her time – they have to work regularly to pay their bills just like anyone else – but do know that there are some scheduling perks possible when you date a writer.
Writers can find 1000 ways to tell you why they like you.Writers are wordy and they like to express themselves. You can bask in the glow of hearing good things about yourself in ways that you’ve never heard them before. Of course, some writers will also be all too happy to tell you your faults so make sure you date a kind writer!
Writers communicate in a bunch of different ways. Most writers are pretty flexible in how they communicate. They’ll be just as content to get an email from you or to chat on IM with you as they are to talk on the phone (maybe even more so). This means that however you communicate regularly is probably fine for the writer you’re dating.
Writers can work from anywhere. This is nice because it means that writers can happily travel with you. They may have to take a laptop and spend some time at the hotel when you go to the beach but you can enjoy much easier vacation planning with a writer than with someone who works a 9-5 job.
Writers are surrounded by interesting people. Writers have a lot of characters in their lives. If you like meeting interesting people, just plan on being the date that goes along to parties and other gatherings with a writer.
Writers are easy to buy gifts for. Writers are happy with little things. Most writers like getting books as gifts. Since they aren’t really into the pursuit of money, they aren’t going to be chasing you for the big bucks you spend on them. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t spoil a writer if you want to but you should know that they value thoughtfulness way more than most material things.
Writers are sexy. There is a reason that people have fantasies about the school librarian. Male or female, those bookish types are hot hot hot.

So, why wouldn’t you date a writer?!

Hello World!

2011-08-04T20:46:00.003-06:00

I'm back! Let me throw out the excuses as to why I haven't blogged in eons. (And at least one of them is legitimate). 1. I'm working a lot. I don't really have much time for a blog. 2. I'm dating someone. Once again, an issue of time. and 3. The charger for my laptop is busted. So my computer has been dead for almost a month now. But now that my roommate is home I can mooch off of her charger! Woo! I'll by a new one eventually.

Now is when I ramble on about my life, so if you could care less, feel free to navigate away from the page.

Like I said, I'm dating someone. He's pretty great. His name is Michael and I adore him. It's safe to say that I'm in love and I am happy. And this Saturday I'm going to Pennsylvania with him to meet family. That's a big deal, or at least that's what everyone says when I tell them. I'm pretty excited. :)

I got a great job! I work for Domo Technologies as a Quality Assurance Engineer. The people are great, the atmosphere is great, the experience is great. I love it!

I've been dancing, lots. I'm competing in a competition in Vegas soon. It'll be cool. I've rented a sexy black dress and I'm going to get all nasty fake tan and wear tons of make-up. It will be great! But also I'll be very excited when it's all over. I'm tired, and dancing tears up my feet. :/

And that's all I really want to post now because Michael is waiting for me, and I want to go to him. I'll copy-paste another post that I enjoyed. Buh-bye!

Whitney's steps on developing/maintaining love:

2011-06-21T02:29:00.002-06:00

That's right folks. I have steps, and they are great. Steps for all sorts of love and they have never ever failed me. And if they've never failed me, they must be fool-proof. So here we go! My steps in no particular order:

1. Get to know the person. And I don't mean favorite color, first job, blah blah. Sure that stuff is nice, but get to know the important stuff. Learn about their values, their dreams, fears, passions, strengths, weaknesses. Learn about what makes them who they are.

"I think it's impossible to really understand somebody, what they want, what they believe, and not love them they way they love themselves."

2. Serve them. I've always believed that service yields love. Why do you think LDS missionaries come home with a love for the people in their mission? It's because they have been serving them. When you are able to put others above your one wants and needs you are on your way to developing love.

3. Pray for them. This one kind of connects to the other two. When praying for people God often uses you to answer your prayers. He will give you more opportunities to serve those you are praying for and as you respond to the promptings of the spirit you learn more about what they may be struggling with and you can learn more about what has molded them.

4. Pay attention and then give meaningful gifts. They don't have to be huge, just thoughtful. If you know they love raspberries (because you've been paying attention) and you are at the grocery store and you have a few bucks, bring them some raspberries. (I use that example because an ex used to surprise me with raspberries. Those raspberries always meant more than the gifts of new shoes or whatever he gave me on birthdays. Those were still appreciated, they just didn't have as much meaning).

5. Pray for love. In 1 John 4 we read "God is love." If God is love can He not give a portion of that love to His children who seek it? Ask God to help you feel love, true selfless love. That can be hard, and it can be scary, but pray that you will have the courage and strength.

There they are in their simplest forms. I know love isn't logical, but my logical mind has tried to fit them in a way that makes sense to it. There is obviously a lot more to it than just these steps, and that's the part I can't really put into words. If you want more detail or more examples from my life you'll have to talk to me personally. Also, if any of you have anything that has helped love grow in your life please post in the comments.

Paradoxical Feeling

2011-06-21T02:14:00.003-06:00

Have you ever had that feeling for someone that is just so wonderful? It makes you feel like a million bucks. You're on top of the world and it seems nothing can bring you down. The sun seems brighter and the sky a bit bluer all because you have these feelings. For a moment, life is the best it could ever be.

Then, as you spend time with that person you feel so strongly for, color drains a bit from the sky, the sun dims, and everything seems somewhat lackluster. It's not because those feelings have left you. It's not because that person is anything less than they ever were in your eyes. As a matter of fact, it's those very feelings and the very fact that that person is so amazing that bring you down. You feel all of those wondrous things and you expect them to feel them too. The only problem is that they don't. Either that or they do, but they don't show it. It leaves you with an ache in your chest.

You do all you can to show them what you're feeling. You spend as much time as you can with them. You show them that you want to be close. You give them gifts when you can and serve them even when it may make you worse off. You tell them often how amazing they are to you. You try to get involved in their life. You do all of these things in hopes that they will see that you do have those feelings. You hope that if they feel the same way they won't be afraid to show it because you showed them first. But either they reciprocate those feelings or they do have them, but they don't show them.

That, my friends, is how you can be the happiest you've ever been in the longest time, yet still have nights that, as you try your best to doze off, your eyes leak out the ache left in your chest so that when morning comes you can show that person all over again just how great you feel.

Economics in my life

2011-05-19T12:52:00.003-06:00

The beginning of spring semester brought new tenants to my apartment complex. In my complex some individual units are owned privately so landlords set their own rules. In order to please their tenants, some landlords allow them to keep their small dogs even though it goes against BYU Off Campus Housing Rules and Regulations. This comes with a set of negative externalities, which were brought to my attention when a small pack of Chihuahuas moved in this past April.

I started noticing little landmines of dog waste in the grass of our quad. Equally annoying, we began to hear the high-pitched yapping of Chihuahuas throughout the day. Now instead of being able to run around the grass without care, tenants have to be wary as they walk through it in order to avoid stepping in the piles of doggie doo. Instead of being able to enjoy the silence as we work on our homework or try to get some sleep, we endure the yelps of the rat-like canines.

One day when I was walking through the quad I saw the offender taking her dogs out to relieve themselves. Not liking what I was seeing I suggested that she take her dogs to the small patch of grass in the corner of the parking lot next time. She responded with compliance and I thought that was the end of it. But lo and behold later that evening I see her out in the middle of the quad watching her dogs leave their mark.

To this girl in my complex, the cost of walking an additional 30 feet or even the cost of just picking up the waste did not yield her any extra benefits. She didn’t care that all of her ward members secretly resented her.

Well about a week ago this flyer appeared on everyone’s door stating that if a unit was found with a pet they would be charged $100 for each pet and charged additional fees to any damage done by the animals.

This is an example of a market not being able to reach a socially optimal outcome on its own. The necessity of government intervention (that is the Santa Barbara Homeowner’s Association and BYU Off Campus Housing) was made apparent when this young woman would not respond to the suggestions of her neighbors.

Woo. Go Econ. Making me think outside the classroom. Rude.

♥

2011-05-19T11:10:00.001-06:00

Flee...

2011-05-15T23:12:00.002-06:00

So today I worked at the freshman cafeteria. The full time staff member over our area really got me thinking about things. He was born in South Africa. He played soccer in England. He lived in Portugal. He went to culinary school who knows where. When he played professional soccer he traveled all over for games. And now he's getting a Bachelor's followed by a law degree. All of that and I'm pretty sure he's only like five years older than me.

Well, that got me thinking about my life. I was born in Utah. I grew up in Utah (I lived in Connecticut for a few months but that doesn't really count). And now I'm going to school in Utah.

A lot of my friends will complain about Utah and tell me how much they hate it, and with home-state pride I defend it and proclaim my love for it. It is true that I love Utah, but living here my entire life, what do I really know? I've been feeling this itch lately to get out. I wouldn't mind coming back to Utah eventually if that's what my life needed, but right now I feel so stuck and I don't like it. I need to go to school somewhere else for a while or go work somewhere else. I don't need a vacation, I need to live somewhere. Somewhere else.

Change

2011-05-04T17:55:00.002-06:00

It's interesting how our desires change. For some reason an e-mail between Jeff and I came to my mind today, and it's been stuck in my head. And if you know me then you know that when something gets stuck in my head I do one of the following depending on my laziness:

1. Write it on something (margin of notes, in my journal, on my pants, on my arm, pretty much anything).

2. Post it as a facebook status even if no one will know what it means.

3. Blog about it.

Since I'm bored and not feeling too lazy I've opted for the third.

Anyway, the e-mail. I'm not sure how we had gotten into this conversation but we were telling each other about our life plans. This was my life plan at age fifteen or sixteen:

"Well I'm going to graduate high school. After that I'm either becoming a Navy SEAL or going to school. If I'm not a SEAL I'll go on a mission then come back and go through vet school. Then I'm going to work on a wildlife reservation as a veterinarian."

Jeff then asked me if I was ever planning on getting married. My response:

"If a guy will come live with me on a reservation then sure I guess so, but if he isn't willing to then I just won't get married."

I held on to that plan for quite a few years (except the Navy SEAL part died off when I found out you have to be a man. Rude.) After a while the plan changed to a, "I don't think I'm even going to get married." I didn't like the idea of having to worry about another person's happiness or well-being. Besides that I didn't want to sacrifice my body or my time for children.

Well I am so very happy to report that my plans and views have changed. My desire to serve in the military completely died off when I realized that I wanted so very badly to be a wife and mother. At that time I was still striving towards my goal of being a veterinarian. Although I had changed my plan to opening my own clinic instead of working with wildlife. However, that changed as well when I saw what the life of the veterinarian I was working for was like.

She was running her own clinic like I had wanted. But with that came a price. If you are running a clinic and you need to take a day off for your family the entire clinic shuts down. Since she was the only veterinarian at the clinic she never took vacations with her family, and after school her young children would come to the clinic and sleep on the floor while she worked. I knew that wasn't the life I wanted for my family.

Let me tell you my new plan:

I plan to graduate from BYU in Computer Science. I plan to hopefully find a man to marry in the temple while I'm here. When we feel ready (mostly when he feels ready because I already feel so ready, but I guess that may change too) we will have children. If necessary I can work as a programmer from home. If my husband needs to move somewhere for school and work, I will willingly pack up and leave with him. There is no need for him to be willing to live on a wildlife reserve or a military base. I don't care where it is, just as long as the person I love most is there. All I want to do is serve those that I love. Before I worried about having to be responsible for the happiness and well-being of others, but that's all I want now. I want so very much to take care of my husband and children. I just want to make sure they are happy and that they know they are loved.

Now I know there are some out there scoffing at me and thinking something along the lines of, "Oh she's just a brainwashed woman." I know you're out there because I used to be just like you. I turned my nose up at the idea of being a homemaker. I didn't see any satisfaction in that. But now that's really all I see in it. It has got to be the most satisfying job ever, caring for your loved ones. So go ahead and scoff. I'm happy with my decisions.

This post really had no direction when I started it. I guess I mostly wrote it to prove to myself that I have progressed. I have become a better person with more noble goals than I was before, and that is great. If you hang out with me you may hear me say this a lot. Progression is all we're looking for. Just be a little better each day.

I also wrote it just because I think change is so very interesting. It's really the only reliable thing in life. Things will always change, and sometimes drastically. And here's the kicker, it's usually good. Change is usually good.

And now I think I will kill this post because my brain is wandering now. Buh-bye people of the internet.

Go. Play.

2011-05-01T10:34:00.000-06:00

Go here. Really, just click here. Have fun. :)

The Atonement Covers All Pain

2011-05-01T09:57:00.002-06:00

This past General Conference was wonderful as usual, but this talk, given by Kent F. Richards, was one that really stuck out to me. Throughout a vast majority of my blog posts I've written on emotional and spiritual pain. I think that's something no one is immune too. However, when I heard this talk I thought specifically of my physical pains.

Some of you may know that I have really bad knees. I had surgery on one, but it still gives me grief. In addition to the pain in my knees I have undiagnosed back and chest pain. I've been to a chiropractor and I've had x-rays, bone scans, MRIs, ultrasounds, and CAT scans, but to no avail. Do you know how frustrating it is to have a problem that only you know exists? I mean, I tell other people that it exists, but since they can't find a problem, and they can't feel it like I can; they can't really know, only believe.

On top of that, these pains can also be really disabling. There have been somedays that I just sit in a warm bath to ease the pain a bit. And on days that the pain isn't as severe, it's still there, constantly reminding me that I'm still fighting. It's exhausting. I have fight the pain to do things I love, and that's frustrating.

When I heard this talk I was especially frustrated with my back pain. It had disappeared for a few months, and I was so very grateful. However, starting in February (February was a bad month for me... It seems to be every year too.) the pain came back. I wondered why it couldn't just stay away. What had I done to call it back? This talk gave me hope and comfort. Here are some highlights that gave me comfort. May they provide you with that same feeling of peace and hope.

Pain is a gauge of the healing process. It often teaches us patience.

Elder Orson F. Whitney wrote: “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. … It is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire."

Elder Robert D. Hales has said:
“Pain brings you to a humility that allows you to ponder. It is an experience I am grateful to have endured. …
“I learned that the physical pain and the healing of the body after major surgery are remarkably similar to the spiritual pain and the healing of the soul in the process of repentance.”

Sometimes in the depth of pain, we are tempted to ask, “Is there no balm in Gilead; is there no physician there?” I testify the answer is yes, there is a physician.

...during His mortal life Christ chose to experience pains and afflictions in order to understand us. Perhaps we also need to experience the depths of mortality in order to understand Him and our eternal purposes.

President Henry B. Eyring taught: “It will comfort us when we must wait in distress for the Savior’s promised relief that He knows, from experience, how to heal and help us. … And faith in that power will give us patience as we pray and work and wait for help. He could have known how to succor us simply by revelation, but He chose to learn by His own personal experience.”

Elder Dallin H. Oaks has taught: “Healing blessings come in many ways, each suited to our individual needs, as known to Him who loves us best. Sometimes a ‘healing’ cures our illness or lifts our burden. But sometimes we are ‘healed’ by being given strength or understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us.” All that will come may be “clasped in the arms of Jesus.” All souls can be healed by His power. All pain can be soothed. In Him, we can “find rest unto [our] souls.” Our mortal circumstances may not immediately change, but our pain, worry, suffering, and fear can be swallowed up in His peace and healing balm.

Our great personal challenge in mortality is to become “a saint through the atonement of Christ.” The pain you and I experience may be where this process is most measured. In extremity, we can become as children in our hearts, humble ourselves, and “pray and work and wait” patiently for the healing of our bodies and our souls. As Job, after being refined through our trials, we “shall come forth as gold.”

You Are Tired (I Think)

2011-04-30T19:29:00.002-06:00

You are tired,
(I think)
Of the always puzzle of living and doing;
And so am I.

Come with me, then,
And we'll leave it far and far away—
(Only you and I, understand!)

You have played,
(I think)
And broke the toys you were fondest of,
And are a little tired now;
Tired of things that break, and—
Just tired.
So am I.

But I come with a dream in my eyes tonight,
And knock with a rose at the hopeless gate of your heart—
Open to me!
For I will show you the places Nobody knows,
And, if you like,
The perfect places of Sleep.

Ah, come with me!
I'll blow you that wonderful bubble, the moon,
That floats forever and a day;
I'll sing you the jacinth song
Of the probable stars;
I will attempt the unstartled steppes of dream,
Until I find the Only Flower,
Which shall keep (I think) your little heart
While the moon comes out of the sea.

e. e. cummings

A peek behind the mask

2011-04-10T19:47:00.003-06:00

Those of you that have met me in real life most likely know me as a tough, never-takes-crap-from-anyone type of person. I rough it with the boys and I don't ever show my feelings. Those who just read my blog are probably confused by that. The only thing seen on here lately are all of those feelings I never show in real life. Well people, which is the real Whitney and which is the mask?

The truth is that yeah, I am a tough girl, and yeah, if you give me crap I'll fight back and your crap isn't going to change who I am. But the other truth is that even though I'm strong, I'm weak too. I know it's a paradox. It really does make sense in my deranged brain. People, I put on this facade of the constantly strong girl, but I do have feelings. I cry. A lot. I feel the need to talk to people a lot. I feel alone a lot. I act like I don't need people and I don't need comfort, but the truth is that I do. Yeah I'm tough, but I have weaknesses. I am human.

I don't know the point of this post. I'm just having one of those weak moments. Maybe the stress of finals is getting to me. Maybe the realization that I've been holding on to false hopes that will never show fruit is getting to me. I don't know, but something is getting to me, and it's making me sad.

It's put me in the situation where I just want someone to hold me while I cry. Someone to help me feel safe so I can take a break from this tough show and just feel vulnerable for a bit. Now I don't know if it's the same with guys, and I don't know if it's the same for those women in older generations, but that kind of comfort always seems to be the best when it comes from a non-family member of the opposite gender. Am I right girls? Yeah, I know I am. I know that I have plenty of guy friends that would be willing to provide that comfort, but I would feel incredibly guilty taking that from them because I really don't want to lead them on. The only people that I would feel comfortable accepting that comfort from would be from someone I am honestly interested in dating. Well, the two in my life that fit that category are either unable or unwilling to give that. So, now I'm stuck. It sucks.

Well kids, that ends my explosion of embarrassing weakness on the interwebs. Don't worry, if you wish it would continue there will likely be more. A depressing peace-out to all of you.

Whatcha know 'bout me? Whatcha, whatcha know 'bout me?

2011-04-10T17:57:00.002-06:00

Yes Jo-jo, I was thinking about you when I used the lyrics from that song you love in my title. Also, I think you are great. Anyway, this has been something that has been gnawing at my brain for quite a while now. It's going to sound really cliche, but whatever. Here it is: No one really knows me.

No it's true! I don't think there is a single one of my friends who really knows me. They think they know me, but they only know one facet. Maybe they're like me. when I meet someone and "get to know them" I flatten them. (For those of you who don't fancy yourselves as writers: a flat character is a minor character that doesn't grow or change throughout the story). So after I decide that I've learned enough I flatten them down and that's who they are to me. I don't allow any additional information to change that and I don't even try and seek out additional information. Anyway, maybe that's why my friends don't know me, because they're like me.

I want them to know me, but I have this problem that I don't really offer up information unless asked about it. And, if my assumptions are correct and my friends are like me, they don't care about more information so they don't ask. So I never tell. And then I'm never known.

I have a few friends that know a lot of me, but I find myself sometime thinking, "I wish they were here, but wait, I would never even be doing this if they were here." And do you want to know why? Because they don't know that part of me and I'm scared that if I showed them that they wouldn't like it and they would reject me.

I think that's why I do the same things with some of my friends and we never do anything new. It's because I've tried to show them another side of me and they've rejected it. So know I don't show them anymore because I know that they're comfortable with only that one facet.

Now there are some friends, like Heather, who take me for who I am. Because they accept me for me we rarely do the same things twice. We're open to each other's ideas and to trying new things. And it's because we like each other. Yeah activities are great, but people are more fun. That's why it's so great when you find someone who not only likes what you like, but they also like to do what you do. Then you never have to worry that you'll suggest something and they'll reject a part of you or consider a part of you boring. You can do something and know that you both enjoy the activity, and also know that it's not just the activity that's enjoyable, but the company.

This post has kind of taken on a mind of it's own and run off on a tangent. Time to reign it in. One, I need to change my mindset of people and stop hindering the progression of my impression of them. Two, I need to let other people know me - stop being so afraid. Three, I am so very glad that I know without a doubt who I am and what I enjoy in life, and that I don't let anyone change that, because if I didn't know, then no one would know, and if no one knows who you are, do you exist?

Just some thoughts. I've found myself in a more pensive mood these past few days since my friends and family have been out of town or unavailable. So you may get even more thoughts soon. Happy Sabbath world.

Man, I don't feel like a woman...

2011-04-07T18:50:00.002-06:00

I'm 21. I know, that's young, but that's woman age right? Well, some people tell me that. So if that is woman age, why do I still feel like a little girl?

I'll have times when I'm hanging out with my older friends that I'll feel like a woman. I just feel grown up. But, once I catch a glimpse of myself in a the reflection of the TV or in a mirror, immediately I feel like a little girl. All of my grown woman confidence leaves and I feel vulnerable and weak. It's like I'm instantly reminded of all of my insecurities and lack of experience.

Is it because I feel insecure about how I look? I don't think so. I'm fairly arrogant and I think I'm pretty, maybe even beautiful. (People have gotten me to believe that on occasion). Maybe it's just because when I see myself I'm just reminded of who I am. Or I guess who my past is casting me as. It seems the past is keeping me at bay. Or I guess I'm letting it.

Those times that I feel confident and grown up is when I feel most comfortable and most like myself. Then I see me and I'm reminded of who I used to be. I'm reminded of who I was for so long and I cast that over this new me and then feel bad about it.

I guess it's not so much a maturity thing as a confidence thing. Perhaps I'm reading this all wrong. I don't feel mature, I just feel confident. Then when I see my reflection I don't feel immature, I just feel less confident. I revert back to the shy, quiet, insecure Whitney. So how I can convince my eyes that the new, confident, strong, and outspoken Whitney is that girl staring back? I need to make them forget old Whitney.

Anyway, just some random thoughts that have been whirring about in my head for a few days. Happy Thursday world.

Nostalgia

2011-03-30T11:06:00.003-06:00

Last night Emily and I were up late. Too late. Why? Well, we were playing Neopets.

Emily mentioned that she had signed on again and we launched into a discussion of what we used to do for hours in Neopia. She talked about playing the ever popular Meerca Chase and selling items in her shop. I told her about playing the stock market and collecting secret avatars.

When I told her about what the secret avatars are and how I would spend a lot of time on the message boards role playing, she logged on to find out exactly what I was talking about. When she couldn't find the boards I logged on to tell her where to go. It was surprising that I remembered so many of my logins. We spent the night playing Meerca Chase, Destruct-O-Match and Dice-a-Roo. We grabbed some free omelette, spun some wheels, and fed our neopets.

It was amazing how much I remembered. I told Emily how to collect at least five secret avatars from memory using words and phrases such as Kadotie, Wheel of Monotony, Secret Lab Ray, and Faerie quests without hesitation. Kadotie? Really? Who the cuss could remember the name of a specific petpet? I even remembered the name of one of the original administrators. Also, another thing. I checked my bank account. Over 500,000 np! Leaving every neopoint in the bank before I log off paid off. Yearly interest really added up.

It was a good night. I woke up late for class, but I don't even care. I have half a million neopoints. Boo-yah.

Also, Emily and I are neofriends. :)

It's been a day

2011-03-29T02:54:00.003-06:00

Today has just been one of those days for me. The kind where I just need someone. I don't know why, but it's been rough. I almost completely broke down twice. I don't know why, but I hurt today. That kind of deep inside hurt that aches and constantly draws away some of your soul. I feel like I handled it pretty well though. I was fairly productive, except for the large portion of the day I spent lying in bed pretending I was sleeping. Other than that I did a lot. It's hard to feel that way sometimes though. People around you don't know what you're feeling. You know, "in the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see?" Anyway, they don't know. All they know is that you've been more productive before so surely you can do so now. When I get crap for not doing as much as I've done before it's hard to feel accomplished and it just gets me down more. It's made me rather melancholy.

I'm not sure if y'all know, but I am officially written off by Elder Humes. It took him a few tries, but he stuck with it. Well, today was the first day in probably about a month that as I put the key into the lock on the mailbox my heart ached for a letter from Kendall to be in there. Alas, there wasn't. I wanted it so badly. Even if it would make later days harder, he somehow always knows what I need and it would have made today better.

I'm sorry to get on here and just mope. That's kind of what this blog has become lately. But really, this is my journal, open for you all to read if you so desire. If I kept a journal, this is what would be in it, and what I write I write for me.

So, thanks in advance to those friends who will contact me after reading this and offer their support. I appreciate it even if I never take you up on your offers. If you know me well enough, you know that the chances of me ever accepting them are slim to none. Maybe I have an issue of pride. Oh well, it is what it is. Time to try and say goodbye to this day. Good night.

Discovery

2011-03-14T11:27:00.003-06:00

I discovered somethings about myself yesterday. Don't you just love those moments of revelation? I realized that I'm going about this whole dating thing the wrong way. My past relationships have been long and there was a strong connection formed. My problem is that I am immediately looking for the same level of connection. That's not possible. I don't take into account how long it took those connections to form.

You know, I think a lot of people have this same problem. We've had great relationships in which we were very comfortable and we felt a strong connection. It's natural to want that again, and when you had that connection for a long time it's hard to remember what it was like before that connection so it's hard to imagine a relationship when we don't feel that connection at the beginning.

Even if there was a connection at the very beginning it wouldn't be the same connection. It would be a completely new relationship with a person who is completely different from those in your past.

I feel like I'm talking in really confusing circles, and most of you probably don't think this discovery is that great, but for me it's really given me insight on why my life is going the way it is. Anyway, that's it. Thanks for reading.

Fun words that I wish were used more...

2011-03-10T15:35:00.003-07:00

...except not really because then they wouldn't be as fun. So I take that back. Here's some fun words that I say occasionally and love.

hoity-toity

adj; pompous, self-important and snobbish

snarky

(First came across this word on my loverly's blog. Snarky Drea.)

adj; snide and sarcastic

smarmy

adj; buttery, unpleasantly and excessively suave or ingratiating in manner or speech

dapper

adj; neat, trim; stylishly dressed, neatly dressed; spiffy

rubbish

n; garbage, junk, refuse, waste; nonsense; to denounce, to criticise; exceedingly bad; awful; terrible; crap; expresses that something is exceedingly bad, terrible or awful

huzzah

A cheer often associated with sailors, shouted by a group in praise of a thing or event

hooligan

n; a person that causes trouble or violence

ruffian

n; a scoundrel, rascal or unprincipled, deceitful, brutal and unreliable person

Hmmm... So I know they aren't exceptionally extraordinary, and the list was much shorter than I thought it would be, but it's a beautiful day and I want to go for a walk. If you have more fun words for me, comment!

Date a girl who reads

2011-03-09T12:01:00.002-07:00

"Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes."
— Rosemary Urquico

Waking up the brain cells

2011-03-07T10:07:00.002-07:00

“I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, It’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, And that enables you to laugh at life’s realities.”

- Dr. Seuss

I want to find a few gorillas. When I find them I'll pretend to be their friend and I'll learn their ways and make them trust me. When they finally trust me I'll steal their hoard of bananas! Although that could be a bad idea. I mean, I've played Donkey Kong. I've seen what primates do when their bananas are stolen...

An elephant and a pigeon, a pigeophant.

Car horns are boring. They should make them customizable. My car horn would be the Kool-aid hair lady screaming, "Stay on your side!"

The Beatles claim that "all you need is love." I say, "Lies!" Love will not make my car run. No matter how much love I have in my life I'll still need to stop at the gas station.

What happened in Middle Earth after the threat of Sauran was gone? The war was over right? What do they do for competition when there's no war? I'm seeing an Orcs vs. Elves ice hockey game...

I wonder if they could make carbonated ice cubes... They probably could, and they probably have. I just think that would be a nice thing for those who drink pop. I mean you want it cold, but regular ice cubes are just water. That waters down your drink real quick.

Unsent letter

2011-02-27T16:08:00.004-07:00

Hello friend,

I don't know if you read my blog. I know you've read one post, but I highly doubt you've ever come back to it. I don't know, if you do read it then I guess I don't know you as well as I thought. Whatever though.

I like you. I like you a lot. I think you used to like me. Remember those times when we would flirt and have a good time and laugh? Or those times that we would actually carry on a conversation? Why did those times die? I personally think it's because I want to be with you, but you don't want to be with me.

Remember the countless times I've told you that it's really hard for me to act contrary to my feelings? Well my feelings tell me to be affectionate and flirty, but I know that if I act on that it will make you feel awkward. So instead I spend my time with you suppressing my feelings and feeling awkward myself rather than trying to have a good time with you. It's sad really.

My friends tell me that I can do better than you. They tell me that I deserve better than you. Heck, even you tell me that I can do better than you. But if that's true, then isn't the fact that I don't want to so wonderful? This proves that I like you. I'm not just settling because I have no other options. I'm choosing you because I like you that much. It's a beautiful thing.

Remember those six days we were dating? I don't know what you remember from them, but I remember feeling butterflies for the first time in a long time. Thank you.

Liking you makes me consider irrational and illogical options. I want to tell you the emotional distress I've been going through for the past month even though I know you can't do anything to solve my problems. There is no logic to telling you these things, yet I want to so badly.

But I'm also scared. You're the only person who makes me nervous. I don't care what other people think, but for some reason I do care what you think. I wonder why that is. It drives me a little crazy. When I'm around you I lose my arrogance and I feel like a timid little girl again.

I know it may seem like I'm trying to pressure you into something more, but really I'm just bursting with all of these unexpressed emotions and I have to get them out. I really enjoy being friends with you and I consider you one of my best friends. I hope this friendship can continue. Thank you for taking me under your wing during a time in my life that I felt alone. You are amazing.

Warmest regards,

Whitney

The Company of Myself

2011-02-27T12:26:00.004-07:00

I played a delightful flash game this weekend. The company of myself. Click here to play it. The music is wondrously creepy, and the monologue by the main character insightful and depressing. If you plan on playing it to the end, don't read on. But for those of you who don't want to or can't beat it, I really want to post the monologue of the story from the game. Enjoy.

If you have a minute, I'd like to tell you a bit about myself.

The first thing you need to understand is that I am alone. I've been alone for a pretty long time now. I'm used to it. I'm content.

Before I became more or less a hermit, I found that I had two passions in life. One was performing. Even today, when I find I can't relate to others, I can still stand in front of them and make them laugh or surprise them. The irony is strong enough to taste.

It doesn't taste good.

In case you're wondering, my second passion was a girl named Kathryn. But I'll get to that later.

I generally face the same day-to-day problems as every other person, except when every other person gets stuck, they have friends and associates to back them up. I don't.

I know you don't want to hear me describe my admittedly less than fascinating lifestyle, so instead I'll describe my day with a much more interesting analogy. I used to find joy in the company of others. Now, I only have the company of myself.

I haven't talked to anyone lately, but at least I can solve my own problems.

I am grateful of my above-average ability to work alone.

I search for reasons why I don't desire companionship.

I settle on avoidance of the issue. I can clearly get by without others anyway.

I find myself unable to leave the question alone. Why can I not be with people?

I think back to the first day that Kathryn and I met. Our paths converged and suddenly we were a team.

This was before I was as reclusive as I have become today, so I had not yet learned to truly multitask. That talent grew out of simple necessity.

Her approach was quiet, as was my response. The connection was instant and unmistakable. A team.

Mutual.

Perfect.

I wasn't ready to let it go.

When we faced a problem we would solve it together. Today I find myself solving the same problems alone.

I was under appreciative. Plain and simple. Didn't understand just how much I needed her. How much she needed me.

It was perfect. Everything. It was all perfect.

I helped her, and she helped me. Mutual.

I never suspected the end to come so quickly.

I found myself crushed by guilt. I didn't leave the house for days.

But she was gone.

And now I find myself alone. I can't handle talking to people anymore.

Internally, I visualize and overexcited man yelling "Checkpoint!"

I like this, I continue.

What? Don't leave yet. I have more to say. I really do.

Are you really leaving?

I've been tasked with psychoanalyzing Jack after his mental breakdown. In general, he recalls his life very accurately - the things he says line up with all of the records.

The first problem is that he doesn't seem to remember any of my visits. I've talked to him once a week for the past eight years, and he always tells me the same things as if we have never met before.

He describes himself as a loner, and this makes a whole lot of sense, as he has been kept in solitary confinement for the duration of his stay at the hospital.

He always briefly talks about his life, and eventually gets into the story of how he lost a loved one, Kathryn.

He understands that she has died, and he certainly feels at least somewhat responsible, but he doesn't recall that he murdered her. She was found buried in their backyard in a green package - evidently, it was the only box large enough for use as a coffin that Jack could find. Also of note were the two flowers he planted next to the makeshift grave.

He considers her death to be the reason that he can't talk to people anymore. I suppose that in a way, he is correct.

This will be my final report on Jack. I don't find any reason to believe that he will recover from his current severe state of mental illness, and he is far to dangerous to himself and others to allow his release.

Apriorism: making you wrong, every time.

2011-02-25T14:33:00.003-07:00

I have been victim to it, but more than often I have victimized others using it. Apriorism is the logical fallacy of making hasty generalizations. It is leaping from one experience to a general conclusion. Example from my last post: "Boys are dumb." One boy in my life is being "dumb" and I apply that label to all boys.

Surely, since I haven't interacted with every male on the planet I this label cannot be true. Statistically, the odds of every male being dumb is improbable. Not impossible, but highly unlikely. Say that, perhaps, I have never met a male that isn't dumb. Some may argue that the statement "Boys are dumb" to be true because it can't be proved false (at least with our current knowledge). That, my dear readers, is an offense of ad ignorantium. The logical fallacy that appeals to ignorance, or arguing that if something hasn't been proved false that it must be true. (Aren't logical fallacies fun?)

What I'm trying to get at is that forming these hasty generalizations will never make you right. Do you like being wrong? I sure don't. It's one of my least favorite things. Since I love you all dearly, I want to save you from this. So what if Amanda is crazy, not all girls are crazy. Who cares if Jake doesn't pick up on your hints, not all boys are dense. And that nerd in your class, Stewart. Yeah he smells, but not all nerds smell.

This is all common sense. I know you know this, people. But when you make those statements without modifiers such as "most", "all the ______ I know", or "a lot of", you will be wrong. It's as simple as that.

Life, what am I supposed to do with you?

2011-02-25T13:41:00.004-07:00

I don't know if this post will make it to posting. It may just sit in draft land like the hundreds of others I've started and never finished. Life is being difficult. Some of you may have known that I started my mission papers. Well, for those of you who knew, and I guess for those of you who didn't, the papers are now on hold indefinitely. The reasons are many and varied. Maybe it's just not right for me. If that's the case, I really don't know what to do.

In other news: I am not sleeping. Not by choice. My brain is just not so into the idea I guess. I stay awake for hours just staring at the ceiling. I even have a playlist for that very thing. It's titled "Songs to lie on your bed and stare at the ceiling to." A little long, but it's the content that gives it value. Just last night I was up until about six am. I had class at ten and my alarm was set for nine. I didn't wake up until noon. I get crap from my friends for not trying hard enough in school and for being lazy. I'm not trying to be like this. I really do have goals and ambitions. For some reason I just can't get the sleep I need. Maybe I'm dying.

And in even more news, boys are dumb. Yes, I know saying that makes me guilty of apriorism, and therefore makes me immediately wrong, but I don't care. And we'll leave that one right there.

So, here's my dilemma in a nutshell: One, I was planning on a mission, but now that's up in the air. Two, I'm tired. Always. Three, even though I've found a major I love, my body can't wake up. As a result I am way WAY behind in the class. Four, I am in emotional distress and have been for the past few weeks, and I don't trust anyone enough to talk about it. Huzzah. Go life. You are awesome.

Now time to post this and start a post about apriorism, because I think we are all guilty of it.

Best Cousinmate Friend

2011-02-24T12:55:00.002-07:00

This post is a special tribute to my best cousin/roommate/friend Emily who helped make my birthday great! I'm not even sure she reads this blog, but I'll e-mail her a link. (Hmm... Maybe that's a good way to get followers. Write a post about them, direct them to the post, hopefully they click the follow button, and then never post anything relevant to them ever again. Good plan.)

Anyway, my cousin is one of the best roommates I could ever ask for. She's always doing me favors like driving me to class when I'm late or bringing things to work that I've forgotten. One day she even brought me Junior Mints when I was feeling sad. She is great!

Well, yesterday was my birthday and she just went above and beyond this week. Someone she gathered my family, my best friends from my home ward, past roommates, friends from my previous ward, work friends, and friends from the current ward for a HUGE surprise party. The apartment was decorated and there was a lot of food and just great company. She planned this party for weeks! I was so grateful for that expression of love and I felt great. But wait, there's more.

The next day I came home and found on my desk a brand new Betta fish! (Mushu, my old fish, died a few months ago... Sad.) This new fish is gorgeous and blue! So pretty and his name is Kaito. Love him so much! Now wait.. THERE'S MORE! She also bought me a puzzle! Oh my cuss she is amazing! 1500 pieces of awesome!

So this post is just a shout out to my amazing friend. I am so grateful for everything she does for me and the great example she is to me. I love her and am so glad to live with her. She is the best.

HUUURRR!

2011-02-23T14:32:00.002-07:00

This is the picture I drew then colored for my purdy-face cousin's birthday. Why? Cause ninjas are the bomb. Also, I'm just going to admit right here: I am extremely proud of this! Colored with a trackpad mouse in GIMP. Go me. Someone come pop my head now.

About Me - Take 3

2011-01-30T16:36:00.007-07:00

Two reasons why I'm blogging: One - I love to blog and so yeah... Two - I haven't blogged in a bajillion days and February is coming and my mom takes excerpts from my blog for the family newsletter... So I need to get her some new material.

You may have seen my previous about me posts if not, here's just a bunch of random things about me that are popping into my head right now. Ready, set, go.

I'm high speed. I like to do things fast and forcefully. I never knew what to call it until I joined the Army ROTC though. My squad members called me high speed.

I don't like sitting with my back to doors. I don't know what it is, but it makes me nervous. I need to be able to see all entries to the room I'm in or else I feel really uncomfortable. Yeah... paranoid, I know.

I have bad, bad knees that hurt when I use stairs. They don't hurt enough to make me limp all of the time, but they hurt enough that occasionally I use the elevator for changes of only one floor. It's times like these that I fake a limp onto and off the elevator so people don't think I'm just lazy.

You know how people make facebook groups that are things that apply to everyone like "When I go through automatic doors I like to pretend I have the force." or something like that? Well I want to make groups that probably only apply to me. Something like "I limp when I use elevators." Or maybe something to fit this next oddity:

When I have an ailment, I tell people about it. I do it partially just to complain (I'm a big baby), but I'm also afraid that if I don't tell anyone, and something happens to me, a big piece of the puzzle will go missing. Think of those doctor shows or crime shows. Imagine that I go into a coma and Dr. House is trying to figure out what's wrong with me. I can't tell him. So he exhausts all of his diagnostic tools and when he is about to give up, my roommate mentions, "Oh! She was complaining of stomach pains a week earlier." This new symptom immediately gives Dr. House the clue he needs and then I'm cured! I dunno... Maybe that only makes for good television.

Sometimes I pretend that the earth is a giant treadmill and as I walk I'm making it rotate.

When I make my right hand into a fist, all of my knuckles crack. It makes me feel intimidating.

Sometimes I wish that I were a pirate. But then I think of what women were on pirate ships and I decide that I want to be a male pirate. But then I think of all of the killing, stealing, and other bad things I would do and then I decide that it's probably best that I'm a student instead.

I hate being late to things. Occasionally, I will take double the amount of time needed to get somewhere just to be sure I won't be late.

I like words. They're fun. Also, I love playing Bananagrams.

One of my most favorite chores in the whole world is sweeping. The other is vacuuming. That's good stuff there.

I even remember the first time I fell in love with sweeping. I was a young child visiting my cousin's ranch in Garrison, Utah and we had the chore of sweeping the shop. Well we swept the shop and had such a great time doing it that we swept the dirt road on the way back to the house. My Aunt wasn't very happy that we swept the dirt road with her brooms...

I stay up late a lot... Not on purpose though. My mind just never wants to stop wandering.

I like to be frank with people. Not Frank. I like being a frank Whitney. Less confusion and less games.

I hate the games people play in relationships, and I also hate that sometimes those games work.

But I love the store Games People Play. Good place.

I'm kind of arrogant and self-righteous. That's something I sort of hate about myself.

But because I'm arrogant I love myself. I'm pretty awesome.

I think I'm fairly logical, and I pride myself in that fact. While most other girls are busy freaking out because they are irrational, I find the rational solution then move on. (My arrogant side is rearing it's ugly head...)

I like ice cream. A lot. And working at the Creamery has introduced me to so many flavors. Probably not good for my wallet... or my body I guess.

I'm a super nerd. I love nintendo, math, anime, manga, computers, physics, words, numbers, fantasy, science fiction, MMORPG, puzzles, riddles, and pretty much every nerdy thing you can think of. Oh yeah. Also, I'm 0% ashamed of this fact. Nerds rock.

I lose patience with people really easily. If I think someone is being irrational and making poor decisions I have to put some distance between us or I'll speak my mind, which, at times, is dangerous.

Also, I don't know where to put commas. I think I may overuse them. Sorry if it drives you nuts. But if it does, that's great for me! You know what they say, crazy loves company.

I like my long hair. I really do. I even want it to be longer. But there is a part of me that wonders how great it might be to chop it all off. I'm too chicken though.

I'm afraid of a lot of things actually. I wonder what my personality would be like if I had no fear. I would probably be even more rude than I already am.

I used to tell people that I didn't get angry easily. That's not entirely true. I get angrily really easily, but there are few things that make me angry. Does that make sense?

One thing that makes me really angry is when people try to control me. Especially if they try to do it in a shady way. It's like they're saying, "I'm controlling you but I'm also going to pretend that I'm not so I can feel like I'm still a good person." I kind of hate it a lot.

I love languages. It probably comes with my love of words. My younger sister knows someone who is fluent in like 20+ languages. I want to be him sometimes.

Also, one of my friends seems to have a monopoly on cool. He's good at every cool skill in the world. It's crazy. He needs to share the cool.

While I love nintendo, and I good at most video games, for some reason I am rubbish at side scrolling games. Games like Super Mario Brothers and Donkey Kong Country. Complete rubbish. But I do love playing them.

I bruise really easily. Like a peach. Sometimes I think I look like a victim of domestic violence. Bad stuff.

Being ridiculous is my favorite. I tell everyone about it. Often.

Reminiscing

2011-01-13T00:39:00.002-07:00

So since I think I'm awesome and entertaining, I just read a bunch of old blog posts and do you know what I discovered? My writing has become dry and dull. Not only that, but I've become more self righteous and conceited! Also, I've become much more serious. I'm gonna work on changing that so I can reread these posts in the future and have as good of a time as I did tonight. Also, I'll try to be as honest as I used to be, but less depressing. I was an emo blogger! Maybe my next post will be a blast from the past post with some highlights. Yeah... Anyway, good night world. Wednesday is over and Thursday is waiting to begin.

On not taking offense

2011-01-12T23:00:00.004-07:00

So a friend of mine told me to come over to his place and have a study party with him. Since I really like this friend (yes children, like-like) I was excited to spend any time with him. Well, not long into our studies he asked me if I would be offended if he went and helped another friend with a project of hers.

The old Whitney would have complained and made him feel guilty and rude for even suggesting such a thing. The new Whitney however simply said, "No, that's fine," and packed up her bag and left.

Sure I was a little bummed. Sure I'm jealous that he's going to spend time with another girl (even if he's not interested in either of us... irrational, feeling that way. No?). But it doesn't matter. Whatever my response, my friend would still have wanted to go and help her. My taking offense and making a big stink about it may have made him stay with me, but it wouldn't have made him like me anymore or improve our friendship in any way. In fact, it probably would have done the opposite.

I know this probably sounds pretty jumbled, but I promise this blog post makes sense in my crazy mind. Besides, if you're friends with me you probably have a crazy, jumbled mind as well so I suppose it makes sense to you. All I'm trying to get at is taking offense is rarely good for anyone. I may even go as far as saying that it is never good for anyone, but that would contradict a blog post stewing in my mind about not using absolutes or making generalizations... Either way, if you have the choice to take offense or brush it off, brush it off! Your taking offense will just make you feel bad for yourself, and generally make others feel angry and defensive. Both bad things.

So, in new Whitney fashion, let's look at the positive. His friend gets the help she needs. He gets to help someone. And I get to clean my room and blog. All good things. Also, I finished my Biology homework - something I probably wouldn't have gotten done at his place because my mind wanders when I'm with him because I want to talk to him. Hooray for productivity and for not being a crazy irrational girl!

One more "also": I just read through this post and it makes no sense... Oh well. I refuse to revise!

Hullo...

2011-01-10T14:03:00.003-07:00

So this is the excuse I'm going to use for my absence even though it doesn't hold much water. (That's a saying, right? I dunno... I'm a little rusty on my idioms probably because I make up so many and I forget which are real...) Our internet has been on the fritz! I've had to reset the blasted router at least ten times in the past week. It's ridiculous. Anyway, I was going to blog about how much I hate texting, and I may still do that in a later post, but for this post I will just update you on a few things in my life. (Not that many of you care, but it's my blog so if you don't like it then go eat your lunch somewhere else! (fake/made up idiom))

Updates:

Elder Humes has been out for over seven months! Amazing right? Also, he wrote me off about a month ago. He told me that we shouldn't write anymore. I was sad. The next day I got another letter that said he didn't know if that was the right thing. Finally we decided that we're still occasionally writing, but just as good friends. So I've taken down my mission calender and I've stopped much of my correspondence with the other Missionary Girls, and I've felt really good about it. It's a hard change, but it's the right change. This mission isn't for me, or ever for Kendall. It's for God and His gospel.

I got a promotion at work! I'm now a student lead at the Creamery. I tell people what to do and I get paid more money for it. Woo!

Christmas was fun. I stayed at my parents' house over the break, good times. Christmas Eve Jessica, Kevin and my friend Michael came over and we had tasty food, sang carols, and played tetris and pool. Jess and Kev stayed the night and Christmas morning was filled with gaiety and frivolity. That evening we went to the grandparents' homes and ate tamales and played with false violins. Good times. New Years Eve Jess and Kev came back over and so did Michael, Jen's friend James, and our family friend Tanu. We had a delicious meat fondue dinner, played lots of games, and has chocolate fondue for dessert. And when the clock struck twelve we ran around outside like hooligans making all sorts of obnoxious noise. Good times.

Well, with the end of the holidays came school and work. My new schedule is awesome! I have classes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday then work Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday. It's so perfect. I get so much done on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. My new classes are pretty cool too. I'm taking Doctrine and Covenants, Intro to Programming, Biology, New Testament, Basic Guitar Skills, and Advanced Social Dance! Woo!

Also, I've resurrected Brazilian Ju Jitsu in my life, and I love it. I have bruised and sore legs, and scraped up elbows, but it's so great.

People, life is good. Yup. Peace.

Reclaiming my muchness

2010-12-31T14:05:00.006-07:00

This blog post has been stewing in my brain for quite some time lately. Now that doesn't mean that it will blow your mind or have any literary value, but at least it's better than a line or two and a music video. Well... at least I hope it is. I'll try to be as open as possible even if that leads you all to see me as a crazy, however, some things still hurt and still terrify me even though it has been over seven years.

For the past six months friends have asked me how I've overcome my weaknesses and found zeal for life. Well, here's my story:

Fall of 2008, I moved away from home, started my first semester of college, broke it off with my boyfriend of about three years, started dating another guy, and jumped right into the Army ROTC program at BYU by joining the Ranger Challenge team. My life was drastically changed. Being human - a creature of habit - I had adverse reactions to these changes.

In high school I was deeply invested in my schooling. I did all of my homework on time, I participated in class, and got high marks. I read books weekly. I studied subjects outside of school. I had a passion for life and learning. My new life was nothing like that. I sat in the back of the class room. I never did my reading. I slept during class and failed tests for the first time in my life. I didn't care about anything. On top of losing the drive I had in school I was becoming emotionally ruined. I cried myself to sleep every night after hours of lying awake only to wake up again an hour later. Some nights, the demons would come. They told me that I was worthless and that I had nothing to offer - the classic suicidal thoughts. They also reminded me of things in my past. They reminded me of mistakes I'd made and of things that had happened to me.
(Demon Days)

My boyfriend at the time did all he could. When the demons would come at three in the morning, he would be on the phone to calm me down and his soothing voice would help me find solace in sleep. One night he even came down to Provo and he sad in the front seat of my car and held my hand while I slept in the back seat. However, even he couldn't protect me from the nightmares.

Most of the time sleep was an escape - a sweet moment of peace amidst the raging storm. It was when the demons learned they could follow me into my dreams that it became a prison. They replayed my regrets. They replayed most terrifying moments. They dashed any hopes I had for momentary peace.

One particular day after my Book of Mormon class I followed my professor up to his office and broke down. I told him how I had lost my zeal. Things that used to bring my joy were empty. My professor listened patiently then gave his straight forward opinion. He suggested that I was suffering from clinical depression and anxiety. He wrote the number for the university's counseling center on a sticky note and we parted with a prayer.

I had never considered that explanation. I wouldn't. I didn't have time to have depression. So as I left the building I tossed the little slip of paper into the trash bin.

Time moved on. Winter semester came. January 19th, 2009, my boyfriend told me that he had something to tell me that night. After hanging out with my family I drove down to the cemetery and I prayed. Somehow I knew exactly what my boyfriend was going to tell me (I'm sure you can all guess, but I won't come out and say it. Still too fresh). I prayed to my Heavenly Father. I told Him that I knew what was coming and that I needed his help to do what was right. I knew my boyfriend needed help and I needed my Heavenly Father to help me help him. After I knelt in sobbing prayer I stood to walk back to my car. An overwhelming feeling of love for my boyfriend came over me. It was the most powerful feeling I have felt my entire life and it was unlike anything I had ever felt before. I knew it wasn't my love for him, but rather a glimpse of God's love for him.

I got back in my car and called my boyfriend. I told him that I knew what he was going to tell me. Doubtful, he asked what I wanted to do after he told me. "I want to come give you a hug." Because he thought no one could want to love someone like him he didn't believe that I knew. Finally, he told me what I had already been told by the spirit. I drove to his house and told him I loved him and I held him until it was time for me to get home.

Even though I put on a strong face for those moments, this revelation from the man I loved tore at my heart. I ached for him. I began to blame myself for his continued mistakes. My fears and pain gave my demons new material to work with, and they loved that. But amidst my storms I did all I could to be his shelter from his own.

One Sunday during church, I found my first step to recovery. I'm not sure if it was a lesson on the atonement, or on finding joy in this life, or something else entirely, but I do remember the strongest feeling that I had some unresolved sins to take care of. Looking back, there was likely minimal blame placed on me because of ignorance, but my guilt was so oppressive to my spirit that I thought for sure I had become damned in the sight of God. After much prayer with God, and coaxing from my boyfriend I went to my bishop and handed my load over to my Savior.

While this didn't heal me completely, it did provide a great feeling of relief and took some leverage from my demons while bringing me closer to my Savior.

It was when the depressive feelings stayed with me that I considered depression. While I didn't recognize it at the time I've experienced symptoms of depression long before coming to college. Even though I had a passion for life in high school I still had the same feelings of worthlessness. Those feelings of worthlessness drove me to thoughts of suicide. I made jokes about killing myself or dying to my friends. Talking with my boyfriend on the phone I often lamented that I was crazy and that I didn't know how to overcome it. They wrote it off and I don't blame them. They didn't see what I saw. I thought I was being selfish in keeping myself alive. I loved life, I wanted so much from it, but I didn't feel like I was giving anything back. And now that I think back on it, I had moments with demons then as well, just not as often or as obvious.

Anyway, with depression being a serious option I looked up the number for the counseling center and made an appointment. I met with my counselor every week on Thursdays before my military science leadership lab. Things didn't go well. He diagnosed me with both anxiety and depression during our first visit and proceeded to give me coping strategies. After that our visits consisted of him probing me, and me crying without giving up any information. Finally he sent me to a psychiatrist who prescribed me some little blue pills that were supposed to make things better.

Now if you know anything about me, you probably know that I am strongly opposed to medication. I hate the feeling of something besides me changing how I feel or what I feel, and I am terrified that I will become addicted (For example, when I got surgery on my knee I took my pain killers for a day and a half then I stopped. I was in loads of pain, but my fear of meds was stronger than the pain). However, despite my fear, I was so tired of being tired. I was tired of being sad. I was tired of feeling. So, I started on my meds and things just seemed to stop. The feelings stopped. I didn't feel sad anymore. I didn't feel happy. I just felt empty. This change in feeling didn't change my actions at all. I still cried myself to sleep because feeling empty just makes you want to cry because you know that there is supposed to be something more. However, since I was no longer sad, and my counseling sessions seemed to just add to my crying for the week I stopped going. I stopped returning my psychologist's calls, and I moved on with my life.

However, even with the numbing effects of the medication I still felt pain. My boyfriend was still struggling with his problems and I finally brought up the courage to tell him how much it was hurting me. I finally told him that part of the reasons I was still crying was because of his actions. I showed him a notebook I had filled with poetry I had written that illustrated how much he was hurting me. After telling him what his actions were doing to me we went through cycles. They started with his apologies and his promise to do better. And then he would do better, but then he would do worse again. And I would hurt again. I want to be sure that you know I don't blame him. That was the very nature of his problem. I had let myself get to close and I let it cause me pain. I forgave him every time, made possible by the strength given to me by the Savior. I still hurt, but I didn't blame him.

Come December of 2o09, I was tired of not feeling anything. I decided to go off my meds. I tossed the bottle and thought I would be fine. Those next few weeks were some of the most miserable I have experienced. I went through serious withdrawal symptoms and my depression got deeper. I was feeling again, and it didn't feel good. However, after a few weeks, things got better. I was feeling, but I had marginal control over those feelings.

Despite his own problems, my boyfriend was always willing to help me with mine. There were nights that I would just cry and cry while he held me. I would ask him what I was supposed to do and if I would ever get better. He, in turn, would ask me if I had been reading my scriptures, if I had been praying. He told me, "Whitney, you just need to do the basics. That is how you find happiness." I told him I would try. And I did try. I did well for a few weeks, and for a few weeks the demons almost went away. But then I would find myself in his arms again crying and asking if I would ever escape these demons. We each went through our cycle.

There was a time my boyfriend asked me if he was really helping me. I assured him that he was. He told me that he was worried that he had become a crutch for me and that he was crippling me because I wouldn't give up my crutch and let myself heal. I told him that I was crippled before I met him and that he was helping me heal. (The Cripple Who Is Whole). Well, I was only right to a point. My boyfriend had helped me quite a lot, but we had reached the point where he could do no more. It was time for me to take over, but I didn't know that.

Our cycles continued. We did better. We did worse. Finally in the spring of 2010, he broke free of the cycle. And like I needed to do, he did it with only the help of the Savior. He finally realized that I had done all I could for him, and that it was his responsibility now. I didn't see that in my life.

On June 2, 2010 he left to serve an LDS mission. With plans of keeping correspondence throughout our two years apart and picking up on his return home, I made goals to better myself and keep up with his spiritual progression. I set up a schedule to read the entire standard works in the two years he was gone starting with the Book of Mormon, followed by the Doctrine and Covenants, the Pearl of Great Price, the Old Testament, the finishing it off with the New Testament. On top of that, with my best friend gone I had a lot of free time on my hands. I attended Mission Preparation at institute weekly and did work for the dead at the temple every Wednesday night. I woke up early and read my scriptures and said sincere prayers each day. When I felt sad, I couldn't turn to my best friend as I had in the past. I knew he needed to focus and that I couldn't bog him down with my depression. Instead I turned to the Savior. When things were hard, I prayed more, I read more, I fasted more. Come August, I had read through the entire Book of Mormon on my own for the first time in my life. Not only that, but I had found something I had lost. I had found my muchness.

I'm not completely healed. I still can't sleep at night, but luckily the tears only come about every other month, and while I still call three A.M. "Demon Hour" it is devoid of demons. Along with my sleep, I still haven't regained the level of motivation I had before two years ago, however, I am happy. Sure life is hard, but I love life so much. I still get sad. I still get discouraged. But I've found a way out of that.

So, to my friends who ask me how I did it (I know there's at least three out there, although I'm not sure if any of those three read my blog), I turned to the Savior. I know, I've told you before, and I know you want some new solution you haven't heard of before, but this is the solution. You likely think that that's too easy. It's a classic Naaman scenario from 2 Kings chapter five, or the children of Israel look-and-live scenario found in Numbers 21. It is that easy people! Do the basics. Turn to Christ. In Helaman 8 chapter 15 it says, "And as many as should look upon that serpent should alive, even so as many as should look upon the Son of God with faith, having a contrite spirit, might blive, even unto that life which is eternal."

Friends, here is your remedy. First, repent. Clear up those things in your life that keep the spirit from being your companion. Second, do all you can to be as close as you can to the Savior. Third, trust in Him.

I know that through the Atonement Christ can give us the strength to overcome our life's challenges and that as we become closer to Him and rely on the spirit for guidance we will be told what we need to do to overcome those trials. Friends, I pray that as you recall my story that you will see applications in your own life. I pray that the path I walked before you makes it easier for you to walk just as Christ made it easier for those who walked before me. I testify of these things, in the name of He who healed me, Jesus Christ, amen.

Blog Force

2010-12-24T16:24:00.002-07:00

Here I am, forcing a real blog post, and not just one with a sentence and a music video. We'll see how this turns out seeing as I haven't been in the mood to blog.

It's Christmas Eve. And it doesn't even feel like Christmas. I'm not excited. It's really odd. And I don't much like it.

On a completely unrelated note, I saw Tangled today, and it definitely is one of my new favorite movies. I laughed so hard through almost the entire movie. It was great. Go see it people.

I got to go snowboarding two days ago. It was fantastic. My brothers and I had fun getting lost in the trees. I love snowboarding. I was so sore yesterday, but it was the best kind of sore.

Facebook is distracting me from blogging... That's sad.

This blog post is failing. I'm going to put it out of its misery. Buh-bye.

Oh, one more thing. My friend Brad is gone from facebook again, and now he's gone from blogger. And also my phone lost his number. Brad, I feel like you're gone forever.

Day 30 - Favorite song this time last year.

2010-12-19T23:01:00.000-07:00

So I have no flipper clue what my favorite song was one year ago, so instead I'm posting the song of the week with this awesome animated modern dance with it. I love this song and this video. Enjoy. "World Spins Madly On" - The Weepies

Day 29 - A song from your childhood

2010-12-18T14:20:00.000-07:00

Backstreet Boys all the way. Backstreet Boys - Quit Playing Games (With My Heart)

Day 28 - A song that makes you feel guilty

2010-12-18T14:18:00.000-07:00

Not even a pause to think. It's a long story, but this always makes me feel guilty. I hate this song so much, yet I keep it on my iPod.

Tonight the Heartache's on Me - Dixie Chicks

Day 27 - A song you wish you could play.

2010-12-16T18:55:00.000-07:00

Two of many. And I actually think my awesome younger sister can play both.
First, "Butterflies and Hurricanes"

Second, "Rhapsody in Blue"

Day 26 - A song you can play on an instrument

2010-12-16T18:52:00.000-07:00

This is about the ONLY song I can play. Dark Horse by David Lanz. And this person put pictures of dark horses to the music. Loverly, I know.

Day 25 - A song that makes you laugh

2010-12-16T18:48:00.000-07:00

"Star Wars" by Moosebutter

Day 24 - A song you want played at your funeral

2010-12-13T13:38:00.000-07:00

This one was easy. Ashokan Farewell. I love this song. But I like Jenny Oaks Baker's rendition better. Either way, the song moves me to tears and fills me with the spirit and a sense of nostalgia.

Day 23- A song you want played at your wedding.

2010-12-13T13:35:00.000-07:00

I've never considered the music I want associated with my wedding. I'm not the girl who has it all planned out so this one was difficult. I don't know if I want this played, but I do think it's a good song. Extreme - More Than Words

Day 22 - A song you listen to when you're sad

2010-12-13T13:32:00.000-07:00

Smile - Sung by Michael Jackson. And I love Charlie Chaplin. He makes me so giddy.

Day 21 - A song you listen to when you're happy

2010-12-13T13:30:00.001-07:00

I love Michael. His style is so smooth and just plain good. Michael Bublé - Feeling Good

Day 20 - A song you listen to you when you're angry

2010-12-13T13:26:00.000-07:00

This is my I'm-powerful-and-gonna-stick-it-to-the-world song. It's a good one. Fireflight - Unbreakable.

Day 19 - A song from your favorite album

2010-12-13T13:25:00.000-07:00

Favorite album is like favorite band or favorite song. Nonexistent. But I do love this album. Smash Mouth's Astro Lounge. The song I chose: "I Just Wanna See"

Day 18 - A song you wish you heard on the radio

2010-12-07T12:01:00.000-07:00

The Hoosiers - Cops and Robbers
Never in my life have I heard this on the radio, but it is a fantastic song. Love!

Day 17 - A song you hear on the radio

2010-12-07T12:00:00.000-07:00

Phoenix - 1901 (US Version)
I like this song lots. :)

Day 16 - A song that you used to love but now hate

2010-12-07T11:56:00.000-07:00

"Sugar We're Going Down" - Fallout Boy. I loved it because it was catchy then I listened to the lyrics. I hate it. I hate it so much.

Day 15 - A song that describes you

2010-12-04T10:50:00.001-07:00

I didn't even have to think. Dixie Chicks - "Cowboy Take Me Away" When I first loved this song it was for romantic reasons with my first boyfriend. (Hey Cowboy, how you doing?) But now it just describes almost exactly what I want in life. I'm just waiting for my cowboy to find me and make it happen.

I chose a vid with the lyrics. Sorry the creator is the kind of person that capitalizes every word. Yeah, it bothers me too.

Day 14 - A song that no one would expect you to love

2010-12-04T10:46:00.000-07:00

I cheated and picked two. But their the same artist. Lostprophets - "The Fake Sound of Progress" and "A Thousand Apologies" I pretty sure people wouldn't expect these because I'm a girl. A happy hyper girl. These songs are a little too hard for a happy hyper girl, but I love them.

Day 13 - Guilty pleasure song

2010-12-04T10:28:00.000-07:00

Normally, if you spell your name with weird punctuation I'll leave you alone and act indifferent towards you when really I think you're annoying and juvenile. Well... I love this song...So much. Ke$ha - Your Love Is My Drug

Day 12 - A song from a band you hate.

2010-12-01T10:10:00.002-07:00

Well... like the least favorite song post, I don't want to post songs I dislike on here. So I'll just say anything by Fall Out Boy. For some reason I hate them with a passion. Well I don't know them as people, but I hate them musically. I know, so many of you disagree with me, but it makes no difference to me how awesome you claim them to be. Peace out.

Day 11 - A song by your favorite band

2010-11-30T19:59:00.000-07:00

I don't really have a favorite band, but I love Phantom Planet. And I think I always will.
"In Our Darkest Hour" (Weird version that I found on youtube, but I kinda like it.)

Day 10 - A song that makes you fall asleep

2010-11-29T20:36:00.000-07:00

Come on. It's in the title. "Lullaby" - Creed. I love this song.

Day 09 - A song you can dance to

2010-11-28T17:37:00.001-07:00

I love dancing. I'd even go as far to say that dancing is my passion. As such, a lot of songs could fit here, but because I'm craving a good quickstep (still!) and this song is delightful I thought I'd share this selection. Cantina Band (from Star Wars Episode IV - A New Hope)

And yes, I have quickstepped to this, and it was bliss. : )

Day 08 - A song you know all of the words to

2010-11-27T12:54:00.000-07:00

There are about a bajillion (it's a word) options for this, but I just love singing this song with friends in sleep deprived drunkeness. Hooray!

Day 07 - A song that reminds you of a certain event

2010-11-27T12:50:00.000-07:00

"More Like a Movie" - Midtown
Without fail, every time I hear this song I think of the same thing. Finally learning how to carve on my snowboard. Snowboarding was difficult for me to grasp. Well, the time I carved for the first time without eating it I was listening to this song. Woo!

Day 06 - a song that reminds me of somewhere

2010-11-25T11:49:00.000-07:00

Lake Powell baby! This is our wakebaording song. Love it.

Day 05 - A song that reminds you of someone

2010-11-24T22:22:00.000-07:00

I love the lyrics.

Day 04 - A song that makes me sad

2010-11-24T11:49:00.000-07:00

This:

A lot on my mind...

2010-11-22T23:26:00.003-07:00

"God fashioned me
For feeding;
And set me in
A hungry land."

-Carol Lynn Pearson

In me, God has made someone who wants to help, someone who wants to serve. When I was younger, I never wanted to be a mom and I only wanted to marry a man that would follow me where my career took me as I tried to prove myself in a man's world. Well, since then my view has changed. All I want to do with my life is work for those that I love. That sounds so perfect.

Now at the moment I have no husband and no children, but I love my friends so much and I strive to be the help they need. As Pearson stated, "God fashioned me for feeding and set me in a hungry land." These friends that I love so much are hungry. They come to me with all of their problems. It seems that an exceptional amount of people find me to be an excellent confidant. My friends tell me things they've only ever told their girl/boyfriends, bishops, or parents. Or even things they've never told anyone. Well, as is my nature, I feed them. I feed them until I have nothing left to eat myself.

Don't get me wrong, feeding the hungry of this land brings me such joy. I love being there for my friends because I love them. It's just that, at times, I wish there were someone to feed me. Their problems weigh on my mind. At times I'll lie awake at night and worry for them. I stare at the ceiling and try to work out a solution. I'll wake at obscure hours of the morning with them on my mind and lie awake for hours. At times these things weigh on me so much that when a problem of my own crops up it nearly crushes me.

Well lately a lot of friends have come to me lamenting that they just want so much to have someone to love them. My feeding self pipes up in my head and says, "Well, I could love them." There's a problem with that. I can't give all of them the kind of love they want. I want so much to serve them and be what they need, but I can't. And it's really hurting me that I can't. I want them to be happy. I just don't know how to help them be happy.

I've even had one situation lately where in helping one friend be happy another is becoming even more unhappy. It's tearing me apart. I want so much for them all to be happy. I want so much to feed all of them, but I'm running out of food.

I know this post is kind of all over the place and that it's really vague and that some of you will even want some more details. Well, you won't get any. I just needed to write and this is where I do it. Enjoy this glimpse into my issues.

formspring.me

2010-11-22T12:18:00.002-07:00

So months ago I set this up because I had a friend who had one and I was also looking for ideas to blog about. Today I checked it and I had two questions and then it told me to tell you guys to ask me more... So here. Ready set go.

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/hypaethral

Day 03 - A song that makes me happy

2010-11-22T12:11:00.003-07:00

Oh the options for this are almost endless! We're going to go a bit goofy for this one, but this song makes me smile ear to ear: "Petey's Song" from The Fantastic Mr. Fox. Enjoy my loverly readers. And if you haven't seen this movie yet, watch it... and invite me.

Day 02- Least favorite song

2010-11-22T12:06:00.002-07:00

I don't really like this one seeing as I don't listen to songs I don't like so it's hard for me to pick a least favorite. I also don't want to post my least favorite song on my blog. So no youtube video, but I'll give you a title and artist. Let's go with Katy Perry - I Kissed a Girl.

I hate this song. When I was in New York the my roommates used this song as a ring tone. Well one morning they would not wake up and it kept repeating over and over again. Later that day I was in the temple waiting for it to be my turn to do baptisms and that blasted song was stuck in my head. It kind of dampened the spiritual experience. So blah to you Katy Perry and your stupid song.

Dear Everyone in the Whole World,

2010-11-20T19:56:00.001-07:00

Read this:

Single Dad Laughing - Worthless Women and the Men Who Make Them

Day 01 - favorite song

2010-11-20T11:09:00.004-07:00

Well... my favorite song changes on almost a daily basis... So let's just pick one for today. There is one song on my itunes that I've played nine hundred and seventy-two times... but I'm going to use that for another day. So, today's favorite song:

Ingrid Michaelson - Be OK

I love Ingrid. She's my music luff.

"I just want to feel something today."

Also, stand up for cancer, m'kay?

30 days of music

2010-11-20T11:05:00.004-07:00

So the latest craze in the blogging world is the 30 days of music. And I'm going to follow the crowd even if this list ends with us jumping off a cliff. So, enjoy the next thirty days as you get to see all of the lame music I listen to.

day 01 - your favorite song
day 02 - your least favorite song
day 03 - a song that makes you happy
day 04 - a song that makes you sad
day 05 - a song that reminds you of someone
day 06 - a song that reminds of you of somewhere
day 07 - a song that reminds you of a certain event
day 08 - a song that you know all the words to
day 09 - a song that you can dance to
day 10 - a song that makes you fall asleep
day 11 - a song from your favorite band
day 12 - a song from a band you hate
day 13 - a song that is a guilty pleasure
day 14 - a song that no one would expect you to love
day 15 - a song that describes you
day 16 - a song that you used to love but now hate
day 17 - a song that you hear often on the radio
day 18 - a song that you wish you heard on the radio
day 19 - a song from your favorite album
day 20 - a song that you listen to when you’re angry
day 21 - a song that you listen to when you’re happy
day 22 - a song that you listen to when you’re sad
day 23 - a song that you want to play at your wedding
day 24 - a song that you want to play at your funeral
day 25 - a song that makes you laugh
day 26 - a song that you can play on an instrument
day 27 - a song that you wish you could play
day 28 - a song that makes you feel guilty
day 29 - a song from your childhood
day 30 - your favorite song at this time last year

Ready, set, jump.

Weekend Drama.

2010-11-15T22:05:00.002-07:00

Blah. I need a weekend to recover from this weekend. I didn't do any homework. I didn't even have to work this Sunday. It was just a stressful and emotionally draining weekend. Remember the forecast I put out about a storm on the horizon? You know how I said having friends was great, but I knew a storm was brewing? Well... The storm came. It came on Thursday. Things happened. I got stressed. I was up until four in the morning. Then things calmed down. Well I thought the storm had passed. Turned out we were just in the eye of the storm. The moment of peace until we have to once again brave the winds and rains to escape the cyclone. It hit again last night. Similar things happened. I got similarly stressed and I stayed up similarly late. Blah. And guess what... Things were similarly seemingly okay. But then today there was a little after party for all of the storm's friends. They came and partied for a few hours then went on their merry way. Well...Things are calm again. I'm just waiting for the storm's parents to come along to clean up the party mess. They've got to show up soon. I'm just waiting.

From the iPod

2010-11-08T20:54:00.003-07:00

Well this is a post from my loverly iPod touch. Cyberspace, I am so happy with my life right now. I love the gospel. I love my family. I love BYU. I love the people I work with. I even love the weather we've been having. It's fantastic.

That's why I'm slightly annoyed that people are trying to force a change. My roommate, my new friends, and even my coworkers are all trying to pressure me into a change. Change is good but I've just now become used to the most recent changes in my life. Please let me stay happy a while longer before you turn my life upsidedown again.

I have just now gotten used to being away from my best friend. Just now gotten used to having to withhold feelings from my closest confidant. Used to knowing that the one person who would do anything for me regardless of the inconvenience it may cause is no longer here. I've learned to go outside my comfort zone and meet new people and start fresh. I've learned to stand on my own. I'm happy. Why do you have to change that?

One problem is that people don't know the full situation. They think they know what is best for me. I'm sure their intentions are pure, but it drives me nuts. You don't know what I'm thinking. You don't know what I'm feeling. You don't know what my Heavenly Father and I have talked about. You are outside the situation. Unless I invite you in, stay out, please! I am happy. I am being blessed. My life is good.

Another problem is I think people are selfish at times. I mean I know I am. People either want me to change to benefit them, or they are jealous of the happiness I have found. You know, I'm not really even sure. People befuddle me.

Sometimes I just don't like people. You know those times? The ones where you just want to be by yourself because everyone is driving you nuts? (By the way, the worst thing to do in those situations is go to Wal-Mart. You will want to cry and kill everyone after only five minutes in that store.) Those are the days I like to go to the mountains or the cemetery. I'm going to share my secret with you: No one will bother you in a cemetery (Well unless you sit at a gravesite of the person they are visiting). Here's what you do. If you have a cemetery that you have a loved one buried at, go there at sit by their grave. If not, pick any cemetery then find the oldest looking headstone, but make sure it has no decorations on it. You need to find one that no one will visit. That's your spot. It's perfect. If you see someone you know and you don't want them to talk to you (chances are they won't, but just in case) pretend to cry, pretend to pray. Just pretend to do something too personal for them to interrupt. And there you are. Alone at last.

You know, cemeteries are where I get my best reading done. One time I dropped by the library after a day of work at the pool. I checked out a book then went and parked by my grandmother's grave. It was getting dark outside, I was in a swimsuit and shorts, my hair was wet, and it was windy. So it was cold. I decided to sit in my car and read. Well since it was cold I left my car on so I could have the heater running. I was so focused on my book that I didn't even know my car was almost out of gas. Well... it ran out. It was cold, dark, and I was alone. So I called my dad. He came down with a gas tank and emptied it into my car. I remember him being really suspicious about why I was at the cemetery. I don't think he believed I was really reading. I'm sure he thought that I was there with my boyfriend of the time and that we were doing stuff in the car. Really dad? In a cemetery? Come on! Anyway... funny story.

You know, this is turning into quite the random blog post. A sort of stream of consciousness post. And once I acknowledged it the stream trickled to a stop...Odd. It's as if I just stopped thinking. So I guess that's where I leave you. I'm happy but frustrated at times, I hate people, but love having friends, and my dad may have thought that I did something in the cemetery. Buh-bye.

Thought burst

2010-11-08T10:36:00.007-07:00

Things I've thought about blogging, but never really got around to making them into full blog posts:

1. Guys, if you're trying to win over a girl with a missionary, it's not wise to insult her, her choice, or her missionary. Not insulting her is a no-brainer, but guys still do it. Don't insult her choice to wait and date, or wait, or whatever the details are. She already feels alone and what she wants is a friend. If you're her friend then you have a much better chance at winning her over. Insulting her missionary is no good either. This is someone she cares about enough to consider waiting two years for. He is her love. If you insult someone she cares about deeply, she won't like you.

2. Stop playing these stupid games! Games and drama just hurt people and cause unnecessary stress. If you like someone, then act like it. Don't try to distance yourself. Don't tell everyone except that person. Don't be ridiculous. Just act true to your feelings. If you feel something and it doesn't go against God, be true to that feeling.

3. Speaking of feelings, how do we master them or get over them. Here's my approach. I'm in a near constant battle with depression and anxiety. I've taken antidepressants and been to therapists. Nothing worked. Well with prayer, scripture study, and church and temple attendance I was able to find what works for me. If I'm having a particularly hard day and someone asks, "What's wrong," my normal inclination would be to say, "Nothing" or to make something up (because with depression usually nothing really is wrong except how you are feeling.) Instead I say something along the lines of, "Oh I struggle with depression and it's just getting me today." By acting like this feeling is no big deal, it becomes nothing and I can overcome it. If you allow your feelings to control you by convincing you that you need to withhold some things from people, then you give them power over you. Be honest and open and you will gain mastery over your feelings.

4. So I've noticed that I have a very angry "thinking face." Those of you who knew me freshman year probably saw it more than others (apparently I was more of a deep thinker freshman year than any other time. Ha ha! Kidding, I just had a lot going on in my life. Hard times. Anyway...). It looks something like this, but more angry. Also the quality of this photo is crap. That's photobooth for you. One more also, I'm not entirely sure why I took a picture of my thinking face a year ago, but I did. Maybe it was just for this blog post.

What does your thinking face look like?

5. My missionary man has been out for five months! Oh my cuss that's crazy! Time is flying and I am loving life!

6. Last friday marked two years since we got together. It doesn't even feel like that long at all! It seems like just last summer we were running through the streets of Nauvoo and I got a chigger bite because I refused his offer to carry me across the grass at the park. Instead I ran across it with my bare feet. Also, chigger is a fun word to say.

7. Remember said face in number four? So imagine a girl with that face. Wearing dark jeans and a black hoodie walking around campus. She's got headphones in her ears. If you were to listen in on what's going on in her head, what music do you think you would hear? Wrong. This is what you would hear:

I am hooked on quickstep music. I love dancing quickstep and I love the music!

8. Dancesport is on Saturday. I'm competing in Samba. I'm way nervous because I've never been this unprepared. In dance 180 we competed ChaCha. That was the second dance we learned and I got a lot of practice because I went to practice labs. Dance 280 I competed in triple step swing. I went to practice labs and my partner and I practiced outside of class. Dance 184 we competed in quickstep (love!). We had the class spring semester and dancesport wasn't until summer semester. So my partner and I got together once a week and practiced. We got fourth place overall. (Go us!) Well... the samba. We just finished learning the routine. I've been to zero practice labs, and my partner isn't very available to practice. I don't really know the routine and I was gone the day we learned the last (and most difficult) figure. On top of all of that, my latin technique is crap. So I'm nervous. Last night I had a dream that I was trying to practice, but every time I went to practice I could only remember my quickstep routine. I wish I was competing quickstep.

9. I have friends now. It's nice to have friends. Sadly, I see a storm brewing on the horizon. Blah. Stupid drama.

10. I'm not taking Italian next semester. So this is my last of Italian. It was fun, I learned a lot (not as much as I should have learned). I'll be sad to say goodbye, but I need to focus on graduating in something.

11. They also dropped the two majors I was considering. School of Family Life with an emphasis in marriage and family studies and social work. Lame.

12. Did I tell you I'm a gospel doctrine instructor? Well I am. It's been a great blessing. A great big nerve racking blessing. I'm enjoying it even if it makes me very uncomfortable. I'm just sad that we're through with Isaiah.

13. November is national novel writing month. I'm failing miserably. It has something to do with the fact that I have friends, but more to do with the fact that I'm lazy. Blah.

Well cyberspace, that's it. I have to go to class now. I'll likely be late, but at least I'll get there. Ciao ciao.

Rumors

2010-10-18T23:57:00.005-06:00

I hate rumors. That's right, hate. Rumors are selfishness. Why do people start and spread rumors? Here's what I think:

People are bored. They watch too much TV and as such, life has become TV. The life of their roommates, neighbors, and classmates have become new shows to entertain them. When they want new excitement, they throw in a rumor to see how their characters react. Who cares if she doesn't like him like that. They'll tell everyone she does. They want the word to get around to him so they can see what plays out. Who cares if they're not even good for each other.

These people you're messing with are just trying to live life. Maybe that girl doesn't want this guy to get his hopes up so it doesn't ruin the friendship when she turns him down. It's her life your messing with. Her LIFE. Not a TV show. She has feelings and struggles that are real. She doesn't need you ruining a safe haven she's found. So next time you want to blow something out of proportion and tell everyone about it, don't.

Let's analyze me for a moment...

2010-10-08T12:37:00.002-06:00

Yes, I'm selfish and it's all about me. It is my blog after all. I started blogging mostly for therapeutic reasons, so we're going to take a trip back to that, and because you follow me or stumbled upon me you get to come along for the ride.

I'm a young female college student. I grew up in a family with a mother and a father, an older sister, a younger sister, and two younger brothers. I grew up dirt biking, camping, shooting guns, skiing/snowboarding, skiing/wake boarding, playing Zelda games and Supersmash Brothers, and playing MMORPGs. I took Tae Kwon Do, learned German, played on a boys soccer team, learned to weld, and fell in love with math and physics. When I got to college I joined the Army ROTC, competed in the Ranger Challenge Competition, and dabbled in Brazilian Ju Jitsu. I'm a tad violent, and I wrestle with my younger brothers. I am aggressive, competitive, confident, and protective. If someone threatens my loved ones, I feel threatened and I fight back.

Normally you would expect this lifestyle and these behaviors from a girl who grew up with at least one older brother if not 3 or 4. Well...I had none. I'm a bit mixed up aren't I? But why? What could cause a young girl with no brothers at all to tell her mother that she is finished with ballet, tap, gymnastics, and baton? What would possess her to beg her mom to enroll her in Tae Kwon Do and soccer?

Cyberspace, I want answers! Why do you think I'm this bizarre person?

Ew...

2010-10-08T00:51:00.002-06:00

You know that little hand towel next to the sink in the bathroom that everyone uses for everything... Yeah... Ew.

Two things that bother me about mormon culture:

2010-09-27T00:29:00.002-06:00

(Now this is Mormon culture, not the doctrines of the church people.)

Now I'm sure there are more than two things. We all have annoying habits, but these are two I was reminded of today.

1. Every speaker in Sacrament Meeting feels they need to share some funny story about how they have been trying to avoid the bishopric for the past three years and they finally got caught. Or how they looked at the caller ID and they saw the Bishop's last name and they had an internal battle about whether or not they should answer it. Or even a story about how they said something blasphemous in their last talk and they thought the word had gotten around and they would be set for life, but apparently Bishop didn't get the message so they have to speak again. It's annoying. So you hate speaking, but you do it anyway because you're a good member. Great. Now get on with your talk.

2. In lessons or talks it's important to stay within your assigned time limit. I agree with that. What annoys me is when the speaker or teacher says things like: "I only have five minutes and there is so much to cover and I want to cover it all, but I have to cut things out." or "Oh we're almost out of time. I have like five quotes I want to get to, but I think I'll have to cut some of them. They were so good too." These are conversations to have in your head with yourself, and you cut the lesson/talk down as you speak. Saying these things eats up even more time. Instead of saying that and cutting three quotes, why not get on with the lesson and only cut two. Just saying.

15 Years Ago...

2010-09-23T17:54:00.002-06:00

15 years ago today, President Gordon B. Hinckley did something rarely done in the affairs of the Kingdom. He delivered a proclamation of the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. Today is the 15th anniversary of The Family: A Proclamation to the World.

The Proclamation was given over the pulpit in a General Relief Society Meeting. Directly prior to reading the Proclamation, President Hinckley stated the main reason why such a Proclamation was generated. "With so much of sophistry that is passed off as truth, with so much of deception concerning standards and values, with so much of allurement and enticement to take on the slow stain of the world, we have felt to warn and forewarn. In furtherance of this we of the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles now issue a proclamation to the Church and to the world as a declaration and reaffirmation of standards, doctrines, and practices relative to the family which the prophets, seers, and revelators of this church have repeatedly stated throughout its history."

Take some time today to read over this prophetic document and apply the principles to your own family life.

Bad Blog-Mommy

2010-09-17T00:04:00.002-06:00

I'm a bad blog-mommy. I've neglected my little baby blog and left it to fend for itself. Shame on me. Here's an update on life, thoughts and such if you care to read:

I got a new job! I no longer work as a telemarketer! Woo! Instead I'm a Helaman Halls Creamery Cashier. I don't get paid much, and freshmen boys are flirty little things, but the girls I work with are awesome and the job is low stress (great for school).

School started! I'm actually love all of my classes! I'm taking Italian 102, Latin Ballroom Dance, Writings of Isaiah, Strengthening Marriage and Family, Intro to Interiors, and Intro to SFL. It is fantastic! I'm remembering more Italian than I thought, I still love to dance, Isaiah fascinates me, I love the in-depth look at The Family: A Proclamation to the World, learning about interior design is so fun, and Intro to SFL is giving me a great insight to the possibilities of my new major choice. Life is good!

Elder Humes had his first baptism just last Saturday (YAY!!!) and he also has his second companion by now. (Haven't heard about him yet. Next weeks letter I guess.)

I spent Labor Day with Elder Humes family! Good times! We partied on the Heber Creeper and had a picnic. After hanging with them I had a BBQ with my family! Great day!

Last Sunday was awesome! We had regional conference and Elder Snow of the seventy, Sister Julie B. Beck, Elder Holland, and President Packer spoke. Later that night there was a CES Fireside with Elder Scott. It was fantastic!

My new ward is awesome! They're so social and fun! I'm so excited for this semester!

Basically life is great, I'm happier than ever, and I love love LOVE my missionary. : ) Keep smiling people!

Greatest Fear

2010-08-29T20:19:00.002-06:00

Sorry. No post about Ohana for you. But did you really think you'd get it? Do I ever follow through on my blog promises? No, not really... Anyway....

A few weeks ago my best friend in the whole world (yes, that would be my handsome missionary) asked me what my greatest fear was. It took me a while to come up with an answer, but I really think my greatest fear is not being a good wife for my future husband and a good mother for my future children. Sure I may be terrified of spiders, clowns, doctors, needles, and pills. I may shiver at the thought of rejection or confinement, but above all else I am so scared that I will let down those that need me and those I love.

What if I'm not supportive enough. Or selfless enough. Or even feminine enough (for some reason I struggle at times with this one... *blush*) Well... I guess only prayer can help me now.

Deeper meanings of "Aloha"

2010-08-15T18:46:00.003-06:00

Today my family attended the Hanalei Branch in Hawaii for church. Now there has been a Polynesian family in my home ward for quite a while, and whenever they are assigned a talk to sacrament meeting they always start with "Aloha," and the congregation responds in turn. Well today I found out that in Hawaii the speakers/meeting conductors/teachers all really do say "Aloha" before they begin into their material.

Anyway, during gospel doctrine the teacher, after saying "Aloha" mentioned that not only does it mean "Hello," but it also means "I love you." Well as you may know, I love love. I mean there's a heart just to the left of this post so come on. Naturally I had to look this up.

Aloha in the Hawaiian language means affection, love, peace, compassion, and mercy. It actually wasn't until the mid nineteenth century that English speakers began to use it in place of "hello" and "goodbye".

Aloha can be broken down into a compound of Hawaiian words: "alo" meaning face, presence, or share, "oha" meaning joyous affection or joy, and "ha" meaning life or essence. Using the Hawaiian language grammatical rules it translates literally into the joyful sharing of life energy in the present or joyfully sharing life.

I love that! Joyfully sharing life! It's a great way to approach everyday.

"Aloha is a way of living and treating each other with love and respect. Its deep meaning starts by teaching ourselves to love our own beings first and afterwards to spread the love to others. Aloha is more than a word of greeting or farewell. Aloha means mutual regard and affection. It extends warmth in caring with no obligation in return. Aloha is the essence of relationships in which each person is important to every other person for an interdependent collective existence. Aloha means to hear what is not said, to see what cannot be seen and to know the unknowable."

The spirit of Aloha was an important lesson taught to the children of the past because it was about the world of which they were a part. One early teaching goes like this:

"Aloha is being a part of all, and all being a part of me. When there is pain - it is my pain. When there is joy - it is also mine. I respect all that is as part of the Creator and part of me. I will not willfully harm anyone or anything. When food is needed I will take only my need and explain why it is being taken. The earth, the sky, the sea are mine to care for, to cherish and to protect. This is Hawaiian - this is Aloha!"

"As the child grew, the need for a fundamental code of ethics was taught. This code is found within a deeper layer of the meaning of the word Aloha. The code is derived from one of the acronymic meanings of Aloha."

"A, ala, watchful, alertness
L, lokahi, working with unity
O, oia'i'o, truthful honesty
H, ha'aha'a, humility
A, ahonui, patient perseverance"

"The kahuna David Bray interprets this code as "Come forward, be in unity and harmony with your real self, God, and mankind. Be honest, truthful, patient, kind to all life forms, and humble." He also stated that to the Hawaiian of old, Aloha meant "God in us."

Hasn't anyone noticed that most Hawaiian people you meet are happy and friendly? Now it may be because they live in paradise, but even paradise has its pitfalls. The Aloha Spirit can do wonders for a community.

Later this week I may discuss Ohana, but until then: Aloha members of the cyberspace community.

To read more about Aloha check out this article The Deeper Meaning of Aloha.

Aloha!

2010-08-14T22:42:00.026-06:00

First of all, posting a picture with my last post was kind of a new thing for me. And guess what. I like it. So now you not only have to read my words, but you have to look at my photos. Ha.

Second, my blog has had it's first hit from Hawaii and that's because I've been in Hawaii for the past week! My family is here until Friday for vacation before school. Fabulous!

My family and I landed in Kauai at the Lihue Airport Monday at about 6:30 (I think... honestly I don't remember. I just picked a number that looked good...) We drove out of Lihue, through Kapa'a and into Princeville to the fabulous condo we are staying in. (A shout out to the Jaspers and their friends. Thanks for the hook up.)

A bit about the beautiful condo. This here is the view from our balcony. Oh yeah. Look at the blue. Look at the green. Also look at the tiny white sailboat. Yeah.

Imagine yoga every morning with that right outside the window. Bliss.

The condo is a three bedroom, 2 and a half bathroom wonder right on a golf course. (That means really pretty ground and very well maintained. I'm not much of a golfer.) It comes with a full kitchen, a very comfy living room area, two balconies, and two cars (one mini van and one convertible).

A short walk away from the condo is a trail that leads to a series of 191 steps down to a hidden beach. (Just so you know, these numbers I'm spewing out are numbers I maybe thought I heard from my siblings/mother as they were reading out Kauai Guidebook, but I never bothered to check the facts on. I could be 100 off for all I know.) Hideaway Beach is just that. A beach tucked away between two volcanic rock outcroppings. Not a lot of people, great snorkeling (or so I'm told), tons of rocks to climb around on, and wonderful scenery.

Sunset from Hideaway Beach

Kauai is known as the garden island. It's the oldest of the Hawaiian Isles (I feel so much cooler saying Isles rather than Islands. I dunno why.) and most would say the most beautiful. It is the home of the Na Pali coastline. The coast is only accessible by boat, helicopter, or hiking and has cliffs that rise as high as 4,000 feet! Well that's where we went today. We hiked into the Na Pali mountians and it was awesome!

Along with gorgeous mountains and waterfalls Hawaii also has a lot of chickens. They just wander around parking lots and beaches. A few other critters (I can say critters because I'm from Utah and also because my grandpa says crick instead of creek) we've become familiar with are:

The Cane Spider:

Oh my goodness. For someone like me who is terrified of spiders this is the worst thing I could have ever encountered. Luckily it was my sister who found it in our room and not me, and luckily the vacuum it's stuck in is in my brothers closet now and not mine... *shivers* According to what my sister read in our Kauai Guidebook, the Cane spiders are not poisonous, but they think they are so they will often chase people and try to bite! AHHH!! What a freaky little beast!

Portuguese Man-of-war:

Now I'm sure you've heard of the huge monsters off the coast of Australia with stings that cause anything from welts to death. Well these little guys isn't nearly as bad. (or maybe these are just the baby ones.) Once again from our handy guidebook (It's beginning to feel like a Pokedex of some sort for all of these Hawaiian creatures. Yeah... I just went up on the nerd scale...) these little guys are related to jellyfish and they can't swim. They have one long tentacle (this one has a tiny one, but the one we caught had one that was at least a foot long) that is used to paralyze prey. Here's our story with the little squishy:

We were out at the beach doing some boogie boarding when my little brother who was chilling on the shore complained that he was stung by a jellyfish. Well, he's the youngest and we all just brushed it off as some ploy to get attention. (I know, we're mean.) Well after I got tired of the salt in my eyes I decided to sit on the shore in the water and watch the surfers. After about ten minutes I felt a prickly stinging sensation on my wrist and I looked down and saw a black thing wrapped around my wrist. Naturally, I flipped out and flung it off of me. It left behind little red bumps and a bothersome itch. (Yes, I then apologized to Zach for not believing him). Later as we were preparing leave, I went down to the water in a futile attempt to rid myself of the sand clinging to me and I stumbled across one of the (men-of-war? mans-of-war? man-of-wars? I don't know) on the sand. I scooped it up with my flip flops and brought it back to my family. We then spread it out on a boogie board and proceeded to poke it. Fun stuff.

People of cyberspace, Hawaii is spectacular. Every morning I we get into our swimsuits and I wrap my cute little sarong (or lava lava or pareo) around me and we head to the beach where we splash in the waves and soak up the sun, or we visit a snorkeling haven and gaze at the little fishies, or we go on fabulous hikes and swim under gorgeous waterfalls. I'm loving this. I could be here for hundreds of years and never feel like I've taken enough pictures.

Just a little taste of the community we're staying in. That and I love pictures with roads, paths, trials, and the likes.

This tree was huge and all of the sand/dirt that used to be around the roots had been washed away over time. Cool!

I have no clue who this lady is, but this is at Queen's Bath. I just want to thank this lady for standing there in her orange and adding some color to my shot. I think it turned out nice. I'd also like to thank her for not turning around while I was being a creeper taking her picture. Yup...Mahalo...

This little sea turtle popped his head up just for the picture.

Queen's Bath again. I love the ocean.

Lighthouse shot. I like lighthouses. For some reason they're romantic.

Same lighthouse. Better shot. Love.

Shots from the hike:

A shout out the Missionary Man. Aloha!

Hanakapi'ai Falls

2010-08-14T21:23:00.005-06:00

Named after a Menehune Princess.

8 miles round hike on an unmaintained trail.

Swimming in the pool under the 100-foot waterfall.

Yes. Thank you very much. : )

Dancing

2010-08-10T01:34:00.002-06:00

As you, my tender reader, may know I love love LOVE to dance. Now back in high school I would go to school dances and I would always feel so awkward. I remember watching those around me dance and being jealous at their "moves". It's not that they were spectacular dancers. They were just having fun and they didn't look stupid. When I danced I just felt stressed and embarrassed and I'm sure that I looked uncomfortable.

Well my freshman year of college I went on a date with Cadet Brad Jensen from my ROTC squad. We went to the concert for the opening of SpoonMe which turned into a dance party when the band left. For some reason unknown to man, woman, or child I didn't feel awkward. I danced and had fun. No one mocked my dancing (like others had before).

Time jump again. Last Friday my friends and I went to a BYU dance. Like that dance with Cadet Jensen I simply let myself feel the music and move. Well A girl we didn't know joined our little dancing circle. I saw in her the awkward feeling girl I used to be. She didn't look stupid, she just looked uncomfortable. Later on she mentioned to me that she thought I was a really good dancer. Apparently she had been watching me as I had done back in high school. I had become someone with "moves"!

I don't know how it happened, but it did. I became comfortable with the dancing. I think the problem was that I was afraid of risking looking stupid. So I guess I've become comfortable with the risk too. I take the risk, but I have fun with it. I just relax. So those of you who are like I was. "Feel the rhythm in your soul" (I think that's from DDR) and just have fun!

Grr...

2010-08-05T19:34:00.002-06:00

I'm in somewhat of a foul mood. I work at Summit Financial Marketing in Orem. We're a call center that calls people who have $10,000 or more in unsecured debt, generate interest in debt settlement programs, then transfer them to our clients (the debt settlement companies). The people I work with are some of the most friendly I know. The atmosphere is fun. My boss is encouraging and funny. The work is painful. I am really grateful for the job because it helps pay for books and stuff, but I really don't like talking to these people. They are angry, bitter, and annoying. (Okay not all of them. Sorry to all of those really nice old ladies, Indian housewives, Middle Eastern men, and happy valley women I've talked to for lumping you into that category.)

Anyway, I mean I know these people have it rough with thousands of dollars in debt, 10%+ interest rates, and phone calls about their debt almost constantly, but at least be courteous. People, you racked up the debt, you kept signing up for credit cards, and now some people are offering to save you from bankruptcy. At least be nice to us even if you aren't interested. I am much more happy about taking someone off of our list if they just ask me politely whereas those who are jerks I am really tempted to set up for a callback tomorrow.

So I work four days a week four hours a day. It's not a lot, but considering the nature of the work it's enough. Lately I've been doing really well with 6 or 7 seven leads in a day (that's 6 or 7 successful transfers), but for some reason today I just kept striking out. Finally right as my third hour was ending I got a lead.

With one hour left I kept calling...and calling...and calling. With every call I got more and more discouraged. Then one call I had went something like this.

Me: Hello is (I forget the name) there?

Person: Yeah

Me: Well this is Whitney calling from Summit Finance. How are you today?

Person: What do you want?

Me: Well we're a company that helps people with credit card debt and our records show you're working with about 15,000, is that correct?

Person: That's none of your f****** business! Don't call me again! I...

Me: Sir do not swear at me like that!

Then I hung up as he swore even more at me.

After a day of failure at work this seemed to break me. I had to fight to hold back tears for the rest of my shift. I wish I had the guts to say something like, "Sir you have no class. When you are speaking with a lady you should not speak like that. Sailors speak like that. You're not a sailor. You're from Oklahoma. Besides, even sailors have enough class to hold their tongues around a lady. Anyway it is my business. I'm at my place of business and this is what we do. We help people with debt, but you obviously don't deserve it." Or maybe something one of my coworkers did. After being cussed out and hung up on she called the guy right back just to say, "Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?" The guy actually apologized then went through the call to be successfully transferred! Wow! Maybe these jerks just forget that we're real people. Maybe they wouldn't feel so macho about cussing at telemarketers if they knew that they just made a young 20-year-old girl cry. That's right, you're real tough jerk. How would you feel if your daughter came home from work crying? Yeah. You're right. You'd probably cuss her out too and tell her to cowboy up or something.

Ugh. It's days like these I really miss the times before June 2nd. I'd get off work and Kendall would either be waiting for me in the lobby or the parking lot or back at my place. If I had a good day he would congratulate me and give me a hug. If I had a bad day he would console me and give me a hug. ( I like hugs. ) He would let me snuggle up next to him and just cry all of the jerkiness of those people out on his shoulder. (Sorry... feeling a bit bad for myself).

Anyway I just needed to vent. Thanks Bloggy (that's what I've just nicknamed my blog just now).

Resurrection

2010-08-04T19:58:00.002-06:00

Well people, I am attempting to resurrect my blog! I've got a pretty new look for my blog and I'm ready to share my thoughts with cyberspace again. I'm not sure why I stopped blogging. I either stopped thinking or I stopped wanting to share that thinking. Maybe both. I'm going to fix which ever it was though. Time to start carrying the notepad around to write my thoughts in once more. This blog will live again.

Whitney likes...

2010-08-04T18:10:00.003-06:00

So I may have done this before, and if so tough for you cause I'm doing it again. What you do is type "[firstname] likes" into google and see what you get. It's funny and good if you're bored like me. So I typed in "Whitney likes", and here's what google thinks I like.

Whitney likes to wear jewelery so go to any store and buy jewelery that looks like something she'd wear.
Whitney likes Helsinki.
Whitney likes nice guys. She just likes very handsome guys. I mean, she's like the perfect daughter if you think about it.
Whitney likes Mariah too, but she doesn't look up to Mariah the way Mariah looks up to her.
Whitney likes swishy pants that turn five different colors depending on the light.
Whitney likes horses.
Whitney likes to hit the gym three to four times a week to maintain her figure and de-stress.
Whitney likes to dance like no one is watching which is usually followed by a mild case of whiplash.
Whitney likes gushy romantic movies and thinks that a movie isn't good unless you cry.
Whitney likes volume on the top of her head.
Whitney likes simplicity in things as well as people.
Whitney likes to direct and boss around the other unruly sabrists while the practice leader isn't looking.
Whitney likes traveling and volleyball.
Whitney likes to eat so much, she can't find her children.
Whitney likes it.
Whitney likes Kyndal Latham. (Close... Kendall Humes... Okay only half close.)
Whitney likes a lot of country.
Whitney likes to wear flannel and hit Home Depot or dress as an Asian drag queen.
Whitney likes leftovers.

Well... I thinks that's enough lies. I'll tell you what Whitney REALLY likes.

Whitney likes Kendall Humes.
Whitney likes missionaries.
Whitney likes postmen.
Whitney likes letters.
Whitney likes packages.
Whitney likes Mondays and Thursdays.
Whitney actually does like nice guys and actually is the perfect daughter. ;)
Whitney likes ballroom dancing.
Whitney likes dance parties.
Okay just dancing in general.
Whitney likes sappy movies.
Whitney likes funny movies.
Whitney likes action-packed movies.
Whitney likes cute love songs.
Whitney likes fuzzy blankets of love.
Whitney likes wall flowers.
Whitney likes camping.
Whitney likes rain.
Whitney likes to go to the temple.
Whitney likes to sing.
Whitney likes rings.

Yup... Well join me next time I log on here in my attempt to resurrect my sad little lonely blog. Peace out.

July!

2010-08-02T15:29:00.001-06:00

This month my family and I went camping down in Beaver, Utah. We go every year for a pioneer day weekend of dirt biking and game playing! Lately it seems like Beaver Mountain is a place full of adventures and I can always come back with a good story. For instance, last year I wrecked on my dirt bike, got a concussion, and ended up in the hospital for a night. Well this year had a new story. While dad, mom, and Jen were out on a ride my dad came across a rattlesnake. My dad hopped off his bike and pulled out his forty-five and shot it in the head! What the heck?! My dad carries a gun dirt biking? My family has crossed a new line of redneck… But wait, it gets better. So after getting shot in the head the snake was still moving around trying strike whatever was threatening it. So my dad found a rock and smashed its head. The snake was still moving! So my dad pulls out his pocketknife and cuts its head off. And wouldn’t you know it, the thing was still moving around (I imagine is like when a lizard releases its tail to escape a predator and the tail still wiggles around). Well, now that the dangerous part of the snake was out of order my dad picked it up, stuffed it in his fanny pack, and brought it back to camp. When my dad showed up back at camp my siblings, my cousins and I all gathered around touching it and oohing and ahhing. Then my Grandma Mary comes up and mentions that she used to cook rattlesnakes with her husband and sons (she’s my step grandma) when they were younger. Now imagine a bunch of twelve to sixteen year old boys hearing that. I think you know what happens next. We take the snake over to a flat rock and with a pocketknife I help my cousins and brothers skin and gut the snake (I’ve assisted in surgery in a vet clinic so I’m good with knives and animal bodies… that sounded really creepy). So after we got the meat free and the skin drying on a log my Grandma Mary pulls out the tin foil and the spices and starts seasoning this long piece of snake meat. When the snake was sufficiently spiced and buttered, Mary wrapped it up and set it on the coals. We wait for an hour with Mary prodding and turning it until it’s done. Mary pulls the tin encased snake off the fire and unwraps it. She then starts pulling off bits of meat and handing it out to eager little hands. It was so funny to see her sorting through the meat saying things like, “Oh no this part is no good. I don’t want you eating that,” and “Yes this is a really good piece.” Now I’m the adventurous type so I tried a piece, and it wasn’t too bad. The flavor was kind of like chicken, but it was very rubbery. Kind of like the texture of squid but tougher. Squid is like soft rubber and rattlesnake is like tough rubber. So now I can officially say that I’ve eaten rattlesnake. Oh yeah. Us Thaynes are a bit more redneck then we were a month before. Happy August everyone. May you all have a rattlesnake-like adventure this month!

2010-06-23T09:17:00.001-06:00

Well hello readers. I'm currently on my way to Lake Powell! Yay! So We're listening to the world cup usa and algeria game and there is an announcer with a fabulous irish accent. Everytime he says something funny my mom and I repeat it at least twice. It's wondrous. I hope my accent sounds as cool to them as theirs sounds to me.

Elder Humes

2010-06-01T21:04:00.002-06:00

As most of you know (and those who don't know soon will) my boyfriend of one and a half years enters the MTC tomorrow at 1 pm to prepare to serve for two years in the Kentucky Louisville mission.

Kendall is the most amazing man I have ever met. He is my best friend in the whole world and I'm eagerly waiting until I get to see him again. Those of you in Kentucky, count yourselves blessed because you will have the best missionary serving in your area and he will bless your lives in so many ways.

Anyway in order to keep busy, and to keep up with Kendall's accelerated spiritual growth I've made the goal of reading the entire standard works in those two years he is gone. That is the entire Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants, Pearl of Great Price, The Old Testament, and The New Testament in just two years. But guess what! That's a little less than three chapters a day. Not bad at all.

Anyway I guess the purpose of this post is just to let you know about my dearest Kendall and ask you for your prayers on his behalf and to let you now about my goal so that I will keep up on it.

Friends, family, and whoever else reads this please pray for Kendall and me as we grow through these two tough years. I love you guys.

P.S. This blog is at high risk of becoming very much a love struck missionary girl blog. We'll see though.

Blogging my way

2010-04-17T14:00:00.002-06:00

So after reading my friend Heather's wonderful blog I noticed that my blogging style has changed so much. I used to post anything and everything that I wanted too. Blogging was fun. It made me happy. Now I've gotten into this rut where I feel like I need to post something thoughtful. I feel like I need to work out elaborate posts. All that has done for me is turned blogging into a chore and brought down the quality and truth of my posts. From now on I'm going to try to be real. I'm not going to worry about what others will think of my posts. I'm going to blog what I want when I want. And right now, this is all I want. So I'll update you later.

Ballroom Dance

2010-04-16T11:55:00.003-06:00

I love to dance, but more specifically I love Ballroom Dance. When I was younger, from fourth to sixth grade, I attended ballroom dance instruction after school. At two o'clock on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, short, cootie-filled kids would gather in the lunch room to learn how to Cha-Cha, Fox Trot, Swing, Waltz, Lindy-hop, Tango, Samba, and the likes. They would dance to Sway, Once Upon a December, and Best Days of Our Lives.

Well after Elementary School, if the youngsters wanted to continue ballroom, they would have to go with a partner to enroll in a studio. Heck no. I didn't want to ask boy to be my dance partner! What if he thought I liked him?! Alas. The end of my ballroom dancing.

Seven years pass, ballroomless. Then Fall of 2009 I enroll in Social Dance 180. Now every Monday and Wednesday forty college students gather in a small carpeted room and are taught to Cha-Cha, Swing, Foxtrot, and Waltz. I couldn't get enough. I attended Monday practice sessions for an hour and a half, and Dance Labs for three hours. The class ended too soon.

Winter of 2010 I found myself in Social Dance 280. Here I learned to dance West Coast Swing, Viennese Waltz, and learned more advanced moves in Cha-Cha, Foxtrot, Waltz, and Swing.

I love ballroom dancing. My teacher once said that in ballroom dance, the women are the picture, and the men are the frame. Normally I feel awkward and clumsy, but when I ballroom dance I feel graceful. I feel beautiful.

Oh my goodness...

2010-04-06T10:08:00.004-06:00

Wow... watching trading spouses. One family has this for a mother...

"I'm really critical. I don't like idiots. Stupid people. There are a lot of things I'm not tolerant of. I'm not tolerant of smokers. I don't like people who are four hundred pounds. Come on fatty! Front and center! I don't like the homeless people in my community. I actually barked at one at the stop sign one day because he just had a "Please help me. Anything helps" sign and I said you know, 'why don't you get a job.' And the illegal mexicans. They are gradually taking over the world. where's my American flag so we can go back to what we speak." She doesn't thing before she talks. She says what's on her mind and she doesn't "give a rat's ***" if she hurts people's feelings.

"When I left I thought it was going to be hard, but it was just another day. I just turned and said, 'Bye I won't miss you either.'"

The father is very into his sports and pushes his girls too hard. At a soccer game he saw his girl smiling and laughing and he turned to his wife and said, "Look at her. She's just smiling and laughing. All of the other girls are working hard and she's just having a good time."

And the whole family interacts with comments like "You're a moron." "You guy are such pigs." "You suck." "You're ugly" "Shut up. I hate that."

One daughter said, "I really don't think I would be friends with my sister If I wasn't related to her. I'm not really friends with her now, and I'm related to her."

The other said, "I really feel like I'm trying to defend myself and not become the weakest link. You know everyone attacks the smallest person in the herd and everyone attacks the smallest animal."

This family is so messed up. They don't feel safe with one another. They don't respect one another. It felt like there was no love in the house. There is no love between the siblings, the parents and children, and no love between husband and wife. They feel like they have to compete with one another. They are all very judgmental and rude. I don't know how they function. I hope that these girls either grow up and break away from the negative relationships, or that they never have children.

I will never never let my family get like this. They are messed up. I don't want my children to feel attacked. I want my children to be friends. I want my children to see the love between my husband and I.

Master, I've heard...

2010-03-28T16:11:00.002-06:00

It seems to me that a lot of people seem to have their own personal Yodas in their lives. These are the people that you go to for verification. If you hear something that you aren't sure about, you go to your Yoda and they tell you whether or not it's true.

This is something that REALLY bugs me. Seeing as I am no one's Yoda, everyone seeks elsewhere to know if what I've told them is true or plausible. I share an opinion or a fact and these people argue with me or say nothing. Then a few days later they bring it up and say, "Yeah, anyway, you were right. I asked Yoda and he said..."

Why can't you decide for yourself if what I share with you is valid? Why do you feel like you have to check everything that I say? Is my knowledge really that unreliable?

I think it's fine to go to someone for their opinion, but you can't just take their opinion as your own. Take what they said and take what I said then see how YOU feel about it. Or just trust that I do know things, and facts that I have are true. My knowledge isn't just limited to mythology and LOST. Don't just take what I said and see how Yoda feels. Even Yoda can be misinformed at times.

Just because Yoda says it's right, doesn't make it so.

In addition to not being someone's Yoda, I've found that I have no Yoda. (Well, no mortal Yoda that is). When I hear something from someone, I usually believe it. It's not that I'm gullible, I just usually feel that they are right. Now if it's something completely ridiculous I'll do a little research and ask a few other opinions, but I'm not going to argue the opposite then change my mind a few weeks later because someone told me to. Everyone has a little something to share with me.

Before I share my opinion with you I will make sure that I've considered option and formed something that I really believe in. I won't fight for something that could change after one little chat with a Yoda. And before I share knowledge with anyone I try to assure that it is valid. I'm not just spewing words out to sound smart or whatever it is you others are trying to do.

Life is tiring...

2010-03-17T14:04:00.002-06:00

"I said I wanna touch the earth
I wanna break it in my hands
I wanna grow something wild and unruly

I wanna sleep on the hard ground
In the comfort of your arms
On a pillow of bluebonnets
In a blanket made of stars

Oh it sounds good to me I said

Cowboy take me away
Fly this girl as high as you can
Into the wild blue
Set me free oh I pray
Closer to heaven above and
Closer to you closer to you

I wanna walk and not run
I wanna skip and not fall
I wanna look at the horizon
And not see a building standing tall

I wanna be the only one
For miles and miles
Except for maybe you
And your simple smile

Oh it sounds good to me
Yes it sounds so good to me

Cowboy take me away
Fly this girl as high as you can
Into the wild blue
Set me free oh I pray
Closer to heaven above and
Closer to you closer to you

I said I wanna touch the earth
I wanna break it in my hands
I wanna grow something wild and unruly
Oh it sounds so good to me

Cowboy take me away
Fly this girl as high as you can
Into the wild blue
Set me free oh I pray
Closer to heaven above and
Closer to you closer to you
Closer to you
Cowboy take me away.
Closer to you"

Isn't it funny how the meaning of words to you change over time? I love this song for all new reasons. Bolded parts are my favorites right now and what I'm longing for.

Hug?

2010-03-17T13:35:00.002-06:00

Her dragging feet scrape across the cement. Cold fists are jammed into her pockets like tightly packed snowballs hidden away for an ambush. Her head pointed downward as if she is watching her step. Her face a dark, blank expression. She trudges to you, slowly, cautiously. Eyes o'erflowing with glistening brine she meets your gaze. Her bottom lip quivers like a fearful child and from her mouth are heard the words, barely audible and dripping with ache, "Can I have a hug?" You keep your hug and leave her there,
Weeping. Alone.

Knowledge and Life Lessons from Marriage Prep

2010-02-28T04:23:00.000-07:00

Becoming the one vs. finding the one.

In my marriage prep class, Dr. Caroll urges us to instead of focusing now on finding “the one” we should focus on becoming “the one”. One of the ways I think we can achieve this in dating is by keeping “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” in our minds.

In reading the Proclamation we learn that “By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families.”

Young men, show that you are capable of doing this as you date a girl. Show her that you will preside over her well as you date. Be an example to her in living righteously and letting her know that you have a testimony. Fulfill your priesthood duties worthily and respectfully. Never take the power God has given you to use lightly.

Show your girl that you are able to provide for her by being responsible and keeping a job. Show it by putting money away into savings. YOU DON’T HAVE TO THROW YOUR MONEY AROUND TRYING TO IMPRESS HER. Just show her that you are responsible with your money and time.

Take care of your lady. Protect her in all aspects of life. The obvious one is to protect her from physical harm. Try to keep her safe by escorting her at nighttime or in dangerous situations. Protect her emotionally. Stand up for your woman when others try to tear her down. Do not put her in situations that would embarrass her. Lastly protect her spiritually. Share your testimony with her and ask her about hers. And young men, remember that one of the most important people to protect her from is you. Don’t you ever strike her. Be gentle with her. Keep in mind that she may not be as hardy as your male friends. Don’t harm her emotionally. Don’t you tear her down or unnecessarily criticize her. If you notice flaws and feel the need to bring them to her attention give her criticism that will help her make a change. Be sensitive. Once again, keep in mind she may not be as hardy as your male friends. Lastly protect her spiritually. Don’t do anything to her or with her that would damage her spirit. Be good with her. Don’t defile her. Keep her innocent and respect her spirit and her body. She is a daughter of God. These things will show to her that you can protect her spiritually in marriage.

In the Proclamation we also learn that “Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children” and “to rear their children in love and righteousness…[and] to teach them to love and serve one another”

Young women, prove that you are capable of this to the young men you are interested in. Show him that you are able to nurture by looking after him and being concerned for his well being. Support your man in the righteous decisions and goals he makes. Help him stick to his goals and become the man he wants to become. Love your man and show it in your actions. Do acts of service for him often and take care of him. Develop habits of tidiness as “cleanliness is next to godliness” and there is little to no chance of your home being like a temple if it is cluttered and filthy. Be an example of love to them by being slow to anger, being humble, patient, kind, and selfless. Show them your love often and be the one that they want to go to when they need help or support.

Not only do you have to show that you can live by the Proclamation but you should also show that you deserve a person who does as well.

Women dress modestly. That is the only way you will ever deserve to expect respect from people. If you dress like a woman with no morals then you will be treated like one. Do not take advantage of your man’s money. If you do so you are only being disrespectful to the males pressures and roles of providing. Never underestimate the challenges of providing. Don’t willingly place yourself in dangerous situations. It’s not your man’s job to keep you out of these situations, just to protect you should you fall into them. Don’t make his job harder than it should be.

Men, don’t tear down the roles of motherhood. Respect that responsibility and the difficulty involved. Don’t assume that staying home and caring for children is easy and that anyone could do it. Don’t assume that you could do it just as well as a woman. Don’t write women off as weak or illogical and irrational. Don’t write them off as beneath men. Do not use the priesthood you hold as a club to put your woman in her place. Her place is not beneath you it is beside you. When you abuse your priesthood and try to rule with unrighteous dominion then you loose the power to use that priesthood and you have no authority. Do not insult your woman like that. You are no better than her and she is no better than you. Men it is not your job to make all of the decisions in a relationship. You are supposed to make decisions with her. Consult together. Just because she doesn’t have the priesthood doesn’t mean that she can’t receive revelation. Talk together and make a decision together. Your word is not the final say. You do not preside in a hierarchy.

So I know that I have a lot more here telling men what to do, but I think that it’s because I’m a woman and I know what I would like to see as a women. Men if you have anything to add to what women should do, please respectfully comment.

Eating at the Local Café

2010-02-24T10:17:00.002-07:00

Across my plate, I see greasy strings of cheese
Restricting my meal
Like the web of a spider.
Throughout the noodles, under the sauce
The fork penetrates.
An oozing squish is heard.
Under my chin
Lying before me on the table
The meatballs rolled with care
Glisten with oils.
I edge my chair closer, as the waiters rush by.
Moist sauce sparkles, catching sunlight on its surface.
I’ve lost my appetite.

(Written by Sian-Amy and I in our creative writing class)

One day...

2010-01-31T22:44:00.002-07:00

One day I sat around quietly,

When a little bug perched on my knee.

I waved my arms quite vigorously

Shouting, "There ain't nuttin' to see!

Go fly off to some lonely tree!"

The little bug stood defiantly.

My brow then furrowed angrily,

As the little bug refused to flee.

It was time to rid him from me.

I prepped my finger to flick that bee

(or perhaps it was a little flea),

And found out surprisingly,

That the little bug was actually debris,

That had fallen from my BLT

Whitney Thayne